Archive for November, 2006


Mood: feeling a little miserable

I think I remember now, why I tend to comment on blogs without signing in first – because I found that I had to sign in twice in order to comment – it seems easier to comment as a ‘guest’ than signing in, clicking to comment, and signing in again.  Perhaps it’s different now, but I found that to be the case since the ‘change’.

December looms and I dread it, irrationally.  I hate the pressure.  I feel stressed enough as it is with financial commitments and having just had my car into the mechanics to have something fixed – that is never cheap.  I’ve spent a few hundred dollars on that car lately.  Even though my brother and I have decided not to buy gifts, and my younger daughter says she doesn’t want anything, I still feel obligated – I still have that nagging pressure that I have to do this, do that, send cards, buy something.  It’s not logical really.  But I can never plan Christmas.  My older daughter’s birthday is on 30th November, so I’ve never been able to think about Christmas until after her birthday is over.  Then it’s a three-week rush.

It’s also a period when my parents died.  My father died in late December, and my mother in early January (in different years), so it’s always always a period tinged with sadness.  I also live alone without a partner so Christmas for the last 16 years has always just been me and my daughters, and, just recently, my brother and his wife.  We’ve been orphans for over 20 years and none of my relatives live in New Zealand.  I’ve always felt so isolated at a time when others get together with families.

I’m starting to hate work.  Last night in a fit of depression, I just wanted to resign (without another job to go to) but of course, I need the money, so it’s out of the question, no matter how inviting the idea seems.  How many of us are in a job we really enjoy? I imagine any new job I had would be fine while I was learning the ropes but boredom would again be the end result.

So, I will tolerate December and hope for some sunshine in January.  We’ve had little enough so far.  Today was freezing.  I wish we could swap weather with Australia for a while.  They’re welcome to rain and cold.  I could do with some warm sunshine for a few days…


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Inspiration and inertia

It’s strange but I tend to browse blogigo before logging in.  It’s almost as if I seek inspiration before deciding whether or not to update.

Talking of inspiration – I need some.  I’ve been wanting to get back into drawing and sketching, which I haven’t done for years, but need an impetus – other things tend to take priority and I really should set some time aside.

Inertia reigns.  I’ve been unable to go to belly-dancing lessons for a month now because of other commitments and I’ve got out of the habit of practising.  I’ve put on weight!  I only just watched a bit of a belly dancing DVD I received some time ago and tried to get inspired again.  I then practised a bit in my bedroom before the mirror and realised how out of shape I now am.  After just one month! 

I must make an effort.

Meanwhile the weather is still very very wet and my grass continues to be very very long….

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I’ve come to the conclusion that my daughter’s friend’s mother is psycho.

The boy’s grandmother called (from England!) my daughter, asked where he was and that he was to go home.  How bizarre!  My daughter informed her that his mother told him in no uncertain terms he wasn’t welcome!  Seems the mother changed her tune and stored all his stuff at someone-else’s house.  We picked him up from a friend’s house in town and brought him back to the village.

Well, he went home today and discovered his bedroom door had been taken off its hinges, all his posters taken down from his bedroom walls and he wasn’t permitted to eat anything.  She then railed at him to go to school tomorrow or she’d send the cops around to my place (where he’s currently staying).  She’s cracked.  Meanwhile, the father tried to hit his son and the son grabbed him by the throat.  What a household.  Daughter and I have advised him to seek counselling at least at school.  I have no idea who to contact to help clear up this mess.

Back at my haven of calm, I got into the garden again yesterday while the weather held out.  I’ve been tidying up after months of neglect.  One tree fell down in the wind, so I cleared that up.  Weeded, tidied and planted some flowers.  Looks much nicer.  Only problem is, I now have a huge pile of garden waste behind the garage.

Today saw more rain.  And the heater is on again.  I think the South Pole is moving north (at least some large icebergs are) as the wind is icy. 

I guess I’ll have to wait another week or two before I can continue in the garden.  It’s extremely depressing seeing newly planted flowers flooded and droopy.  ****ing weather.

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I wonder about some parents.  I’m certainly not a perfect parent, but it’s interesting the difference between the way I parent and the way others do.  I’m fairly laid back and have worked through any difficult periods with my daughters and we have good relationships.  My younger daughter’s friends think I’m ‘cool’ and she likes to spend time with me and discuss all sorts of matters.  We are more friends than mother and daughter and apparently this is ‘bad’ according to some.  A parent is not supposed to be a ‘friend’.  Why not?  What possible reason is there for making yourself an enemy or an authoritarian figure of your child?

Two things brought these thoughts to mind.  I’ve been looking forward to going to the Womad festival next year (World of Music, Arts and Dance).  I really enjoyed the last one in 2005 and my daughter expressed an interest in going.  My friend who arranges trips to the festival with her friends (and they rent out a house for the weekend), wanted to meet up with me again next year and asked if I wanted to share the cost of the house and spend the weekend together.  I said yes and mentioned my daughter’s interest.  The offer was then withdrawn because she and her friends wanted a “kid-free” weekend.  My daughter is 16 (and will be 17 at the time of the festival).  She is offended (1) at being called a “kid” and (2) being rejected because of her age.  She is a mature, responsible girl and I myself was angry that we were being rejected simply because my daughter wanted to join us.  We will now make our own arrangements and, frankly, I can’t even be bothered getting in touch with them at the festival if that is their attitude.  It is the difference between my outlook – my daughter is my friend – and theirs – their kids will always be kids and they must feel responsible for them and feel they have to control them (even though they may be perfectly capable young adults).  It angers me.

The second example, much worse, is one of an ultra-controlling parent – the mother of a friend of my daughter’s.  She gives the boy a hard time on a daily basis and he hates going home.  Fairly normal fare for teenage-hood.  But now the shit has hit the fan.  He ‘wagged’ school (didn’t stay at school the whole day) and his mother found out and text him on the cellphone to say he was the biggest loser and that he wasn’t coming home.  He realised she was serious and asked my daughter to collect some of his stuff – his DVDs, CDs, games, maybe even his guitar and amp.  My daughter went around and the mother was busy throwing stuff out.  Too late to retrieve all his gear, apparently, my daughter was very angry.  The mother had destroyed all her son’s possessions.  He is now staying at another friend’s house.  He is 15 years old.  I cannot believe her over-reaction.  What does she hope to gain by throwing him out?  To teach him a lesson?  Her controlling ways have not made him more disciplined – he hates her.  He will now hate her even more and at such a young age I wonder what will become of him.  To destroy everything that was his is just ridiculous.  I cannot understand what parents hope to gain for the children by being so controlling and disciplinarian.  There is no love there.  She is not doing this for his benefit.  She just doesn’t know how to handle the situation so walks away from it?

I know I had a difficult period with my older daughter and I was close to desperation.  But I would never have thrown her out of the house.  That would have achieved nothing but her enmity.  She eventually moved out herself (once she finished school) but we have a good relationship.  There is no bitterness or hard feelings and she is happy.  She is still a teen (19) but I would not call her a “kid”.  She’s a young adult finding her way in the world.

Is it any wonder that there is a high suicide rate for teenagers in New Zealand if this is how parents are treating them?

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Well, yesterday was a lot of fun.  I picked up my workmates and we set off for Southward car museum and were the first customers I think.  I wonder how many women only visitors they get.  We spent three hours wandering among the vintage and classic cars but screwed our faces with disgust at a 1988 Nissan Bluebird on display (“kindly donated by…”).  I suppose the gift came with a stipulation that it be displayed prominently.  They should have assigned it to the basement.  Some cars brought back memories of childhood and I also remembered my father telling me of an old car his uncle had.  I saw ones similar to the photo of it he had, but have no idea what car it was – it was a 1920s vehicle anyway.  Saw a beautiful long black Mercedes used by the Germans in the war.  How can I describe the feeling it invoked in 2 of us (the car not the era) – we could growl with lust.  Quite bizarre for women isn’t it.  (Took a couple of photos but I still have an old-fashioned film camera and won’t be able to scan and post for some time.  Would love a digital camera but just haven’t the money at the moment.)  Had a quicker look through the vintage bikes (not so interesting to me at all) then headed off to find some late lunch.  A leisurely trip back home in time for a relaxing cuppa before dinner. 

Frustrations!  Yes, that refers to my attempts at finding belly dancing music online.  I’ve written about this before somewhere so apologies if I repeat myself.  I’m trying to replace the music I had on tape (which is no longer acceptable quality).  It was a mixture of music from library CDs and the library no longer has those CDs so I’ve tried unsuccessfully to find it through LimeWire, but 99% of results is ‘spam’.  It’s shocking.  When I last used LimeWire most results were valid.  Now it’s the opposite.  In fact I’m lucky if I come up with anything valid at all.  So out of 8 tunes, I’ve only found 2.  CDs of belly dancing and Arabic music seem so difficult to find in shops, so needs must.  I have ordered a couple from Amazon, but that gets expensive with the cost of postage.  Ah well.  Perhaps I should find a different share program.

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November already and I haven’t updated here for ages.  Is anyone else having to wait ages for this edit page to download, only ot have to scroll to the bottom of the page to write?  It’s quite bizarre and quite annoying.

I’m due to pick up a couple of workmates in half an hour and we’re heading south to a car museum.  We’re all women and a little nuts on cars (old classics mostly).  We all watch Top Gear and drool over the latest fast beauty.  The other two women are leaving work, having found a job elsewhere (lucky devils) and so this will be our last chance to visit the museum together (we’ve all been meaning to go but we all bypass it on the way to Wellington).

Had a couple of beautiful days.  I managed to start clearing the jungle outside and it looks much tidier.  The front lawn needs mowing again – it’s never-ending.  But I’m glad the sunnier warmer weather has arrived at last.  It was beginning to get depressing – all the rain and bitterly cold winds.

Which reminds me – I’d better hang out the washing before I leave!

Back sooner, I hope.

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