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Archive for December, 2008

Limbo time

I always find this period between Christmas and New Year and the start of work again rather weird.  Time passes unmarked but quickly, hot weather drains and you wander round between chores, games, browsing, reading and watching (TV and/or DVD).  It’s also the time that I feel most alone even if surrounded by family.

Christmas Day was fairly ordinary.  Because my brother does not want gifts there is no gift-giving – just another ordinary day with lots of food and alcohol.  No decorations, even.  The weather was not pleasant – cold and drizzly.  At one point I found myself alone – my brother and sister-in-law having wandered off to check the sheep in a neighbouring paddock, my daughters and their boyfriends chatting away together over a board game.  I strolled over to my brother’s tree paddock – a paddock he’s trying to establish as a forest.  I wanted to sit there on my own with a book.  I felt unwanted and unneeded, inadequate.  I knew it was because everyone else was half of a couple and I had no-one with whom to share things.  I felt incredibly lonely.

I’m heading off to my friend’s place in Tauranga in a couple of days’ time.  Part of me doesn’t want to go – I fear I’ll feel the same inadequacies and loneliness, but at the same time I know I’ll enjoy the company.  I baffle myself.

All too quickly on my return, the time will zoom by and another year of work will start all over again and, unless I find another job, another year of boredom and struggling financially.

Incredibly, on 2nd January it will be 30 years since my mother died and it’s just on 25 years since my father died.  It doesn’t seem possible.

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I think I’ll have to buy a diary for next year.  This blog thing isn’t working out.  When people ask me when I did such-and-such I really can’t remember and it’s not written down anywhere.  I used to be able to go to my diary and there it would be noted.  I feel like my life is seeping out of my brain – if I don’t remember it, it’s gone and what do I have to show for the last 2 or 3 years?

I rarely update my blog now and when I do it’s mostly just random thoughts that occur to me when I log in.  There’s no run-down on what I’ve been doing.  Perhaps I should take photos of tickets to shows, etc, and photoblog those as some sort of reminder?

Someone asked me how long I’ve been belly-dancing.  I couldn’t honestly remember – was it two years? three? longer?

Yeah, I think I’ll go back to a diary and when I feel the need to expand, I’ll head online.  It’s so much easier to scrawl a line in a book than to start up a computer, log in, etc etc – it takes ages.

Anyway…

Now my daughter’s birthday is over with I can begin to think of Christmas.  It’s like a last minute thought every year.  I have, however, sent off my overseas Xmas cards, bar one or two.  My aunt has moved into an old peoples’ home and I don’t know the address.  The fact that she hasn’t written to me about it worries me.  She is elderly but her letters were always fairly regular and newsy.

My lawn has been mowed, finally.  It was surprisingly difficult to find someone who did a good job for a reasonable price.  I paid one guy to do the big chop – it was quite rough and he left bits out – why, I don’t know.  I then priced another outfit and they wanted to charge an outrageous price for less work.  Finally I got another guy who did a nice neat job and is reasonably priced for a regular mow.  Phew – at last.

I was browsing comments on Facebook earlier.  It’s getting to the stage where people’s English is so bad you assume it’s their second or third language and then are shocked to find it’s actually their mother tongue!  My father would be absolutely appalled (he was an English teacher).

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