Archive for September, 2014

There’s actually nothing much to report.  Three days of work was good.  I would love short weeks.  However, back to five-day weeks until Labour Day and then it’s the mad rush to Xmas.  This year has gone by so incredibly fast!

It took me two-and-a-half days to catch up on the three days off work I had.  No prizes for guessing what much of that consisted of.  Talk about depressing.  Now I know that whenever I take off just one day, I’ve got that delight to go back to on my return.

It’s been a week since H left – already!  No more tears at least and it helps to have an affectionate cat purring on one’s lap.  I don’t let myself think of the fact that I’ll never have a wonderful meal cooked for me again, or there’ll never be the expectation of someone returning home from work, or just that other presence in the house, especially in the evening.  Empty-nest syndrome… even harder for a single parent.

I’m afraid I told some lies to a colleague yesterday.  She often puts me in a difficult position.  Back when I held a medieval party for my 50th I had invited her and she came across to my desk in the open plan office and asked about costuming.  The difficulty was that I had not invited any of my colleagues in the office, so it was really awkward.  What really annoyed me was that she didn’t even show up to the party.

She did this again when I casually mentioned (mostly in jest) a couple of years ago that I wanted to move to Australia and she came  up to the desk to talk about a course that was on offer and that this would be great for my prospects in Australia.  Luckily the gossips weren’t around at the time, but again – awkward.

Yesterday she talked to me again at my desk and asked about H.  Was she still living at home?, where was she working?… etc etc.  I haven’t told my colleagues that she’s moved, or even that my older daughter now lives in Melbourne.  I wasn’t about to announce it to colleagues by way of this person that she had also moved to Melbourne, so I answered in the affirmative that she was still at home and that she still worked at Harvey Norman.  I hated lying but she left me no choice.  It’s my own fault I suppose, but I really don’t want to share my private life with people in my office.  I especially don’t want the gossips talking about it.  It’s none of their business.   I might tell this person privately another time but then there’s the risk that she’ll blurt it out again when talking to me at my desk with colleagues listening in.  Awkward.

I’m tossing up whether to go to the Spring Festival in town.  It’s not supposed to rain but it’s looking distinctly black out there.  Can I be bothered?  But then it would do me good to go out.  But then do I want to go there and remember the last time I went with H and her friends, but this time I’d be very alone?  Don’t know…


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I’m so glad I did take the time off.  I couldn’t bear the smug ignoramuses at work.  They don’t have a clue.  Seriously.

Working through my loneliness, slowly.  Keeping busy helps, naturally, but then it suddenly hits me.

I’m sick of this place now it’s empty.

And I’m emptying it even more with more decluttering and getting rid of shit I no longer want.  Over the past few days I’ve given away the microwave (I hate microwaves – never used it other than to heat up stuff unevenly), a borer-ridden desk, and a small cabinet which was in the garage, as well as other shit that was dumped on me by the ex including a brazier, a non-working weedeater and heavy old waterblaster.  They got snapped up quickly, thankfully.  I finally dropped off a bird cage which I’d sold and had never got picked up.  No-one home but I left it and let them know.  No thanks at all.  Still waiting for a guy to pick up H’s smaller desk.  I’ve been waiting a week.  Fuck, people are so annoying and inconsiderate – rude, in fact.

There were a few bags to give to charity as well as some CDs and DVDs that H no longer wanted (all her Iron Maiden CDs, which I’m sure she only listened to because her ex-boyfriend was crazy about them).  I had set aside a few nice books and pottery to sell but am fed up with TradeMe frustrations and took them to the Red Cross, taking advantage of them actually being open.  I dropped off the other bags of stuff to another charity and sold the CDs and DVDs to Cash Converters.  The next round of bags for charity has already begun.  I opened a trunk in the garage which I thought was empty and it seemed full of material and old embroidery.  Some material is required for the local Spring festival this weekend so I can drop that off.  The rest can join more junk for the next drop-off.  I kept some of the nicer old embroidery.  I think it may have been my grandmother’s unless my mother did it in her younger days – much of it is unfinished.  The rest of the trunk, which looked like material, was actually old crockery wrapped up in material.  I stood there in shock.  I had no idea.  That trunk had been in the garage for 20 years and I had thought it empty.  I’ve left it there for now, not knowing what to do with it.

I’ve painted a couple of window frames/sills.  I’ve done a half-arsed job but I no longer care.  I’m sick of redecorating.  I still have the lounge ceiling to paint but can’t face it yet.  Today I also repotted some plants and mowed the lawn.

I’m really not enjoying work lately.  The focus has changed to digital stuff and I spend a large chunk of my day just adding URLs to records – it’s really, really boring.

So, as you can tell, I’m fed up in general.  I want out.  I’m supposed to be going to a conference in February and it will be booked next week.  I had hoped to have another job by then, I”m so fed up, but then what?  I don’t know.  I guess I’ll have to wait another six months ffs.  I feel stuck…

And the weather doesn’t help – four seasons in one day – rain, wind, sunshine, cold, hail, sunshine, rain, more wind, and an earthquake to top it off.  Great.

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Last weekend H and her boyfriend and I visited my bro’s place near the east coast.  They have had a lot of rain (which we’ve since had every day) and so the day we arrived was their first sunny day in weeks (while we had had dry and sometimes warm weather).  Saturday was overcast but still, so we headed over to Otahome beach nearby, where I’d never been before.  It was like driving over a farmer’s track through his paddocks – narrow, windy, gravel road and no fences, so bro had to slow down for sheep and lambs on the road.  Luckily he has a 4WD so could  handle the bends and hills easily.  I wouldn’t fancy the road in my car.  The view from the top of the track was stunning.  Looking north towards Castlepoint you could see Castle rock in the distance.

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The many lambs were gorgeous.

It was nice along the beach, and the rocky formations are fascinating.

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Bro’s dog loved digging holes (for no reason other than to dig).

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The following day was very wet so we spent much of it inside playing Siedler (Settlers of Catan).  I didn’t do well at all, except for the very last game.

I found it interesting that my brother, who always loved New Zealand and moved back nine years ago after over 10 years in Europe, is now disillusioned and wants to leave again.  He’s seen New Zealand get worse and worse with regard to the way of life and in particular the environment.

The trip was tinged with sadness because it was H’s last before she headed to Melbourne (to live!).

On Friday just been I took her down to Wellington to stay overnight at her cousin’s before flying off at 6.20 am.  She spent much of that day sorting through stuff and packing (having been too busy up to then to finalise it all).

I drove back home that night alone and to an empty house.  The next 24 hours were hard.  I knew it was coming and I hadn’t looked forward to it, but the thought of never having her car in the driveway, never expecting her back in the evening after working or visiting her boyfriend, never hearing her voice in the house or cooking in the kitchen, or being able to share things fills me with immense loneliness.  It’ll take some getting used to.

The other majorly depressing thing is the result of yesterday’s election – the National party getting in for yet another term.  Seemingly the majority of those who voted don’t care about National’s damaging policies or the corruption that takes place.  They only voted for National because they always have or because the candidates “looked nice” so I can only conclude that they’re rich and selfish, or ignorant and stupid.  I don’t understand it at all.  Every intelligent person I know said they were voting Green and yet the Green party didn’t even do as well as the last election when there seemed no hope.  There are many reasons why a vote for National was distressing.  A vote for them was a vote for the following:






Sale of land to foreigners


Mining and drilling




Dirty rivers


Corrupt MPs




Funding cuts



Lack of action in Christchurch


The whole thing upsets and saddens me.  I’m seriously considering following my daughters to Australia, and my brother says he now can’t wait to leave.  My decluttering and redecorating have made the sale of the house possible.  My greatest fear, however, is that I won’t find a job.   It’s going to be a difficult few months…

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