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Archive for the ‘Insanity’ Category

I don’t get them. Even as a child I didn’t warm to most of them. They said hurtful things. I preferred the company of my dogs.

In the past two years I’ve experienced kindness and open friendliness from virtual strangers, which always surprised me.

I just had an email conversation with a friend back in NZ. “Friend” really means ex-colleague, as we didn’t socialise outside of work. I was cheery and answering her questions and it was all good until she made some spiteful comment, the sort to bring you down. It’s supposed to be said jokingly, I guess, but there’s really no need for it. Why can’t such people be encouraging instead of hurtful? I open up about my life and get shot down. Is it sour grapes? I still don’t get it.  I’m so glad I’m far away from that toxic atmosphere. I was humiliated at my farewell by a nasty speech “disguised” as humour. I wasn’t laughing. I was so hurt I cried instead of saying thanks. Someone even gave me a copy of the speech, thinking I enjoyed it. I ripped it up and threw it away in disgust. It was horrible. Why are people so nasty to each other? To so-called friends and colleagues? There’s no need for it. I guess they’re unhappy people with nothing good to say about anyone? I don’t know. I’m well away from it now, and thankful to be so. When I visit, which I will do next year, I’ll have to prepare for snide comments. Or maybe I won’t visit at all, but just invite a select few to drinks at a pub. So disappointing.

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Tired

That feeling you get when you’re so tired you just can’t be bothered with anything at all.

Part of it is the start of daylight saving, which always takes me a couple of weeks to get used to. Having to get up an hour earlier is never easy.

Last night I visited Geelong and didn’t get home until after midnight, having to wait half an hour for a train from Southern Cross. At least there were trains, I guess.

For some reason I’ve been browsing Facebook more often and this is a trap and I shouldn’t do it, especially when I’m tired.  Again, I get annoyed and I try to analyse why:

For a start, Facebook insists on showing what my friends have liked. I don’t particularly care what they’ve liked. If they wanted to share it, they could share it, but I don’t want to see some lame shit which just pisses me off. I loathe animals dressed up, for example. Some peope find it funny or cute. I just find it fucking stupid and disrespectful. Animals are not toys to dress up in your stupid bows or ludicrous costumes.

There are some pages I’ve followed out of interest but occasionally they post something that is just very depressing. I guess I’m guilty of sharing something that’s equally depressing but which I thought was important. I should know that others are not in the mood or simply don’t care. I fall into the “not in the mood” category at the moment – probably because I’m tired. Other posts such as ones about yet another massacre of yanks killing yanks – I really do not give a shit about. I’m fine with americans killing themselves. Makes a change from them killing others in countries where they shouldn’t be.

I make an effort to post something and get zero likes. It shouldn’t bother me. I’m not out to please people or get “likes” but it does indicate that people have looked at it or read it. Of course, they may have and not liked it. Perhaps Facebook should just indicate if people have actually seen it, otherwise you feel like you’re in a vacuum, talking to a wall. No feedback. I spent ages compiling a video of photos, for example, and I think two people watched it. Maybe more did, but just didn’t care enough to “like”. I dunno, what the fuck…

I keep seeing the same posts, whether they were posted yesterday or several days ago. I think it’s because someone has posted a comment? I don’t need to see it again, unless I specifically wanted to follow that post and see subsequent comments. I should be able to turn this off. And then sometimes when I refresh I get a whole batch of posts I haven’t seen and can’t find the one I was just looking at.

“Suggested Post”s – really FUCKING annoying. Some can scroll past it, but often you’re sucked into reading it before you realise it is just a fucking advertisement. And you keep seeing the same ones. Yes, you can choose to not see any from that particular fucking advertiser but I get sick of having to do this every single fucking time.

Being labelled “grumpy”. It’s Facebook that pisses me off. I should just close my account. I should reassess what I would actually miss by doing so. I don’t currently have time for genealogy so I’m not reading those posts. One daughter posts nothing at all, while the other does sporadically. Other family members post nothing at all. So what am I getting out of it? It’s nice to know what some friends (very few, in fact, actually post anything) are doing occasionally… They want to know what I’m doing but I rarely see anything from them – catch 22.

Amazing how many posts I’ve written about Facebook and I’ve still not taken the step of closing the account…

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Arrggh!

My parents were friends with another couple who had children a little older than my brother and I. I met their daughter twice. She visited when I was a teenager. As adults we exchanged an annual Christmas card and letter.

Then she got hold of my phone number and started calling me regularly – from Australia. And her phone calls were never short. She used them to talk about her life and moan about her family or her health. It was a pain in the arse.

When I moved to Australia, naturally she thought she could phone more often. Thankfully for me the landline kept playing up and phone calls didn’t get through. I think she gave up after that (sigh of relief).

Then she found me on Facebook and messaged me every single time I had been online.

Now that I’m no longer so frequently on Facebook (or don’t make it obvious), she’s changed tack and discovered me on Instagram. She can’t chat to me but she posts about six photos a day which are not even hers. She finds some random sentimental shit of a picture and puts it up there – and then another and another. It’s driving me fucking insane.

I tried blocking her on Facebook for the same reason – sickening spam. But then she kept pestering me, telling me to alter my settings so she could see my posts. It may well be another reason I avoided Facebook.

I could block her on Instagram, but then she’d contact me some other way to tell me to unblock her.

She is a persistent arsehole. Several times she asked for my brother’s phone number so she could hassle him and he doesn’t even know her. I refused to put him through the same annoyances. What a pain in the arse. I have no idea what to do about her. I even tried reporting her to instagram because what she posts she does not have ownership of, but their “reporting” facility is bullshit. They keep making you fill in forms and there’s never a “submit”.

If the silly cow insists on posting more than five posts a day, I’ll block her and tell her why if she fucking hassles me about it. Fucking moron! I’ve had it with her.

Postscript:  I just counted how many posts she’s done in the last 24 hours – 10. Ten pictures of random shit – flowers and puppies and other sentimental garbage – it’s fucking spam is what it is. I have now unfollowed her.

Sorry, I had nowhere else to vent and I had to vent.

PPS: She’s since sent me several messages, noting that I was no longer a follower, wondering why that was, and asking me to follow her. Persistent, as I said. If she continues to send me annoying messages (only she would figure out that you can send messages, which I wasn’t even aware of), I will have to be brutally honest as she is immune to social cues.

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I’m back!

Finally, I’m settled enough with the PC up and running to be able to update this blog.  I couldn’t before now on my tablet as I’d forgotten the password, and on the PC the password is already there.  I still have no idea what it is.

Well, where to start?  I’m surrounded by boxes in the second bedroom of a unit.  It’s just chaos.  Any photos I’ve taken for the past nearly two months have been on the smartphone, apart from a handful on the DSLR, so I can’t illustrate much in catch-up.

I guess I should start where I left off.  The movers took about three hours, including packing leftover stuff I hadn’t done, and wrapping the furniture in cardboard.  Fascinating.  The two guys talked to each other and said “bro” in every sentence, I think.  While they were there I cleaned, and afterwards, vacuumed.  I took any remaining rubbish and bits and pieces to rubbish and recycling bins.  I had a last look around the house.  I probably took photos.  I haven’t uploaded any yet, so may return to this post to insert a couple.  I lay on my bedroom floor and laughed and cried, so mixed feelings you might say.  I knew I’d miss some aspects of the house, especially the private garden at the back, but I wouldn’t miss all the things that needed doing to it, the damp and the cold.  Home is where your stuff is, and my stuff (and Jasmine) were no longer there.  It was an empty shell.  It had served its purpose (when I needed a place for the kids to grow up and so I could have dogs).  I’d been there nearly 22 years.  It was time to move on.

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I dropped off stuff like cleaning materials and the vacuum cleaner, etc etc, then got dropped off at (ex-)colleague’s place.  She had a nice little semi-detached unit, and I was thinking I’d be happy with that, with a second bedroom to use as an office/study/hobby room.  Funny how I had 2 extra bedrooms in the house but they were always the girls’ rooms and I somehow couldn’t adapt them for my use.  I had a nice meal with R, and her bed was very comfy.

We headed into town before driving south.  She wanted to get a picture framed and I wanted to pick up a netcode thing so I could transfer money from my NZ account to my Australian one.  It hadn’t arrived.  They were very apologetic and said they’d courier it to my Australian address.  So, onward to Wellington, stopping at Otaki to look at shops, and Paraparaumu to have lunch.  Once at the airport, we had a (overpriced) cold drink each and a chat.  I was very grateful to her for taking time off work to take me to the airport.  I had chosen a civilised afternoon flight to make things easier, and it certainly did.  It was a relaxing day on which to be flying, rather than stressing out at catching the flight on time.

An unremarkable flight and it was a cold wind at Melbourne airport as I waited for C and W to pick me up.  It was good to see them and I smiled as I got in the car and said “I’m homeless and jobless!” W assured me I wasn’t homeless, which was sweet of him, but their apartment is small.

Now, my initial plan was for Jasmine to stay with them once she was picked up.  Unfortunately, I was told that W is allergic to cats (even though they used to have a Siamese – different type of fur I suppose).  A fairly fluffy cat in a small apartment wasn’t going to work, so after a couple of nights she was put into a cattery.  So I didn’t see her on my arrival.  I was upset about that – basically it was like she was in quarantine, and I was encouraged to take Jasmine over because there was no quarantine.  There was nothing I could do except hope I found a place fairly quickly to rescue her.  The poor girl.  I felt really bad, but C assured me she was fine.  It’s not as if she hadn’t been to a cattery before but she must have been very confused.

To cut a very long story short (at this stage), I started looking for accommodation immediately and pretty soon cut out living in an apartment.  Mostly they were too small, too student-like, or close to very busy roads.  I focussed on units which were not so numerous.  Christmas came in between so there was about a week or so when I couldn’t look at any.  It was a time-consuming process.  You’d see a place you wanted to visit but had to wait for an inspection time, which could be up to a week later.  Often I’d go all the way there and not even see the place for various reasons: the agent didn’t show up, the agent hadn’t brought all the keys so we couldn’t get in; the place had been leased that morning.  Hell of a time-waster (and money spent on trains getting there).  I was getting very depressed with the whole process.  It was apparent that I’d have to spend a fair amount a week to get the sort of place I wanted.  Some of the units were in a dreadful state, with nothing having been done to them since the 70s (it looked like).

Finally, I saw a unit which had had new carpet installed and had been repainted, so it looked ok.  The area was nice and it was big enough.  I applied and, relief, got it.  I might update the trials and tribulations in that first week in the next post.

Was it a good decision?  Absolutely.  I regret nothing.  More later.

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Had dinner with friends on Friday night at an Indian restaurant.  Supposed to be South Indian but it tasted no different to any other Indian takeaway I’ve had here.  Anyway, nice to see them and as we only see each other normally about once a year, it won’t feel like I’ll miss them for some time.  Earlier in the day I applied for a job.  I’m not feeling too hopeful, as I don’t have the experience for everything they want.  Usual story.

On Saturday I headed off over the hills to bro’s place for the last time.  He had invited me to another 4WD event the following weekend, but I had lots to organise, including major items of furniture being picked up, etc.  I wouldn’t have enjoyed it or relaxed.

Packed some plastic drawers and odds in the car for bro.  The weather was foul.  I had had an irritating morning, mislaying things, forgetting stuff, etc.  I left the house and drove through the horrendous road works which have been in the village for over three months.  Got across the bridge and cursed – had forgotten the bottle of wine and that I was going to buy some beer.  Returned home, got the wine, bought some beer, and decided, this time, to avoid the road works and take the hill road.  Ha!  There were road works on that road too and it was quite slippery in the rain.  Barely any visibility near the top.

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Got to Eketahuna and it was bright and sunny and there was a detour in place to go round the Santa parade.  Cute.  I was offered sweets at an intersection but I don’t eat them.  The sun continued all the way to bro’s.

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G was out at a market selling her wares.  Bro was busy “hoovering” (to keep the wife happy).  I had a wander around the garden.  The roses were looking wonderful.

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Had some lunch.  Can’t recall what I did in the afternoon but we did play three games of Siedler in the evening (G winning two games, and I won one).  We watched a Danish movie, The Keeper of Lost Causes.  Quite good.  It would make a good pilot to a TV series.

On Sunday, G went off to her voluntary job in a village store which sold local creations (including her own).  Bro and I took the dogs for a walk over the neighbouring farm, a pleasant walk of undulating paddocks with trees – quite unlike the flat, treeless paddocks in the Manawatu.

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After a bit of lunch, we headed to the village store to see G and have a beer at the local pub.

Another couple of games of Siedler, of which bro won all three.  Some homemade pizza, then it was time to head home, farewelling them both.  I had no idea when I’d get to their house, or see them again – could be months, could be years.

Jasmine was glad to have me home again.  Back to an unreal reality.

Today I contacted people about more items which sold.  Two items had been picked up in my absence, but one of them hadn’t, even though she’s already paid.  Said she’d mostly likely drop by today, but no sign.  Frustrating.  Two more items didn’t sell so I relisted one and made an offer to some of the watchers.  If the three big items don’t sell I’ll have to donate to charity and hope they can pick up.  The computer desk has basically sold.   It’s all so time-consuming and frustrating.

I went into town to buy yet more packaging tape and get some more boxes from the movers.  When I said I wanted to buy some (as I’d been told), the woman at the counter said that it was included in the cost.  This was a huge surprise to me.  The first woman I’d contacted said I could buy boxes at the company office so I could pack everything.  Now I was being told that the movers do all the packing and that they would need to see anything I’d already packed (i.e. unseal all the boxes I’d sealed with expensive packaging tape).  She gave me four more brand new boxes (not secondhand which first woman had said).  I was astounded.  I would prefer to pack my own, but I had no idea that they were supposed to do it!  What the hell?  I felt ripped off.  Continued on to get more packaging tape anyway (which is effin’ expensive) and proceeded to get overcharged by a dollar.  I suspect I had been overcharged by the same amount last time.  Bastards.  Got my money back when I went back to check, but had been ripped off previously.

Next on my list was a mini grocery shop and a visit to the Post shop to get a form about electoral roll changes.  Huge bloody queue so gave up on that.  Headed home, still seething about the misinformation from the movers.  Packed some more boxes, including the rest of the books.  I’m going to have to unseal all the ones I’ve packed up until now so the movers can look in them.  What a feckin’ waste of expensive tape.  Not feckin’ happy.

Felt very tired in the afternoon.  If the birds don’t wake me at 5 am, Jasmine wakes me at 6 am.  Had had enough of packing and all the bloody things I have to think about.  Stressful.  Most people who move a houselot overseas have a partner to share everything with.  But it’s all just me.  If I don’t do it, no-one does.  Just feeling over it all at the moment.  Two people have said I must go to their house for dinner before I go, but I can’t very well just turn up, can I.  They need to invite me.   Will contact one of them, at least, but if the others can’t be bothered contacting me, I really don’t have the time to think about it.  I’ve got too much to think about and do.

On that note, I think I’ll have an early dinner and write the rest of the day off.  Had enough.

 

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Almost a week since I returned from Melbourne, and the realisation I have only two weeks left.

On Saturday an old stereo (and cabinet) were picked up.  Yay!  So good to be able to get rid of crap.

Sunday I had a last lunch near Foxton estuary with friends.  Very windy for bird watching and, of course, I’d left my big camera in Melbourne.  A got some great shots of the godwits with her new Canon.  J and I were jealous.  It didn’t seem real  that I wouldn’t be going on birdwatching trips with them again (certainly not in the near future).

Monday I photographed lots of stuff to either give away or sell and posted them on TradeMe and freestuff.  In the evening had a last dinner with the group I normally meet at Xmas.  One of them had to go to her mother-in-law’s funeral so wasn’t there.  Pleasant, if long, evening.  Host made me a small cake to take home.  Unfortunately, as I can’t bear sweet stuff, and I could smell the sugar wafting off it, I couldn’t eat it.  Nice meal of fish and veges, followed by mini Xmas puddings.  Host had her tree up early especially – she’d gone for silver and lime green decorations this year.  I won’t be putting a tree up this year, unless, by some miracle, I’ll be settled into a new place, with decorations having arrived with all the stuff and I buy a tree.  Unlikely, I think.

Tuesday I had my last dental appointment with the lovely Adam and arranged to have my dental records emailed to me.  (They had arrived by the time I got home.)  I notified Vodaphone and Genesis Energy about my last day for disconnection (yet to hear back from Vodaphone).  Lots of pots, old wooden bookshelf, etc, were picked up.  I got rid of heaps.  I realised more stuff needed to go and photographed and advertised.  I listed empty pots, buckets, breadbin, old chair etc, and they were gone within two hours.

Wednesday I went to town for a mini grocery shop.  I dropped off some crockery, etc, to Red Cross.  I rented a couple of DVDs (as there’s nothing on TV to watch).  I waited for more stuff to be picked up but no-one turned up.  Disappointing.  After some more packing, I watched “Mistress of Spices”.  What a dreadful movie.  Absolutely awful.  I’d give it a 3/10.  Had a break from packing as my back wasn’t happy.  In the evening I watched “My House in Umbria”, which was better but I suspect I saw it years ago and had forgotten.  Never mind.  Maggie Smith is always worth watching.

This morning I woke early and realised I still hadn’t heard from the pet movers and there was less than two weeks to go.  Checked email and finally saw one from them.  The crate will be dropped off next week for Jasmine to get used to.  Phew.  Also phoned vet to organise filling in paperwork.  Sigh.  It’s non-stop.  Now waiting for three more items to be picked up, and advertised yet more stuff that I’d forgotten about, including my computer desk!

Slight panic…

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I’m bored.

I’m stuck at home, having hurt my back just as I was getting ready for work on Monday.  I bent down and felt a twinge and thought, “ow that hurt”.  Stupidly ignoring the warning, I bent down again a short while later and the pain was phenomenal.  Collapsed on the floor unable to move.  Well, that was clever.  I eventually managed to get myself up and thought, “well shit, I can’t go to work now”.  I wondered whether to rest or keep moving.  Googled and stupidly took the advice of some idiot to rest until the pain subsides.  Ha ha.  Like a fool, I lay down on the bed and read a book for a while (having phoned work to explain my predicament).  Then I needed to go to the toilet  and found I couldn’t move.  That was really bright, wasn’t it.  I  imagined myself stuck there without a phone nearby, unable to eat or go to the toilet for hours on end.

With determination and a hell of a lot of pain I got myself upright.  I called the nurse’s number at the doc’s for advice and only got an answerphone.  I then called a healthline and she reckoned I should see a doctor within four hours.  Well that wasn’t going to happen without someone taking me.  She called an ambulance!  I thought that was a bit extreme and felt a bit  of a fraud but it least it got me in to see the doctor a lot sooner than normally (the waiting room was packed).  My first ride in an ambulance and I got to suck on the gas which makes your voice go deep – haha.  Very nice understanding medics.  Lots of pain meds, and a ride back home from a kind colleague.  I was dead tired and lay face down on the couch and fell asleep.  Couldn’t get up again without heaps of pain.  I don’t learn do I.  In the afternoon the nurses’s station called back -a bit bloody late.

Following day it was still painful to get up from sleeping but it was a bit quicker than the day before.  I called a physio to see if I could get in and did so.  With the help of Voltaren pills I felt able to drive there.  For the rest of the day I felt absolutely fine but took the advice of the physio and have taken an extra day’s sick leave.

It was much easier getting up this morning.  But now I’m completely bored.  I can’t do anything except sit for a while, stand for a while, move around for a while, ad infinitum.   No housework or gardening allowed, naturally.  I have so much to do and think about.  I did get rid of a couple of items which were picked up – a mere drop in the ocean.  I can’t even give stuff away.  No-one, it seems, wants free camp chairs or a free stereo or an ironing board, for example.

My resignation has been officially announced at work.  I received emails from three people which was nice.  Shock from them all, and all calling me brave, courageous, bold (probably privately thinking I’m completely insane to give up a house and job for an uncertain future, and especially at my age).  I can’t even think of that at the moment.  I just want this bloody sore back to bugger off.  On top of being bored, I’m feeling tired, frustrated and anxious.  Stress, anyone?

So November is rapidly approaching.  Last November I set three challenges for myself:  writing a novel of 50,000 words (Nanowrimo), doing a sketch a day and also taking a photo a day (all of which I accomplished).  This year I might just do the photo one.  It can be like farewell shots of things I will miss, without getting too sentimental.

 

 

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