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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

I can safely say I’m sick of cold, wet weather.  Sunshine has been sporadic for the past month or so.  Apparently, so far, it’s been the coldest, wettest spring in Melbourne for several years.  Great.  I shouldn’t complain – it would be the same or worse in the Manawatu.

I am still jobless, sadly.  I have applied for a few jobs but haven’t been able to get an interview as the other candidates were of a “high calibre”.  Great.  I am disappointed in the agency I’m signed up with.  I’ve had two phone calls from them in three months.  I called back immediately after missing one of the calls but by the time I managed to contact them, the position had gone.  Thanks.  Not impressed.  The woman I had before was brilliant.  This guy doesn’t sound like he gives a shit.  I saw a job advertised this morning.  It was for a one year contract at the same place I had an interview at late last year.  I figured I should apply for it, after fiddling with my CV again, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it.  The interview had been one of the most humiliating experiences of my life: – a panel of about five people seated around me, unsmiling and unfriendly.  I stuttered, spilt the glass of water, and seemingly didn’t answer their odd questions to their satisfaction.  Just to get to the interview was a one hour tram ride from the CBD.  I can’t go through that experience again.  I willed myself to apply, but then just cried.  I can’t do it.

Some days I’m really depressed about the situation.  Other days I try to think positively and fill the day with interests.  I’ve done a couple of (free) courses online, the latest one being a four-week photography one through RMIT, after a six-week genealogy one through the University of Tasmania.  I am doing weekly blog entries about genealogy.  I have just written another one which has taken most of the day.  When it’s fine (which it certainly isn’t today), I go for walks and take my camera with me.  In the evenings I watch one of many excellent TV series and movies on SBS On Demand.

A trip is planned with the girls in November.  C wanted to celebrate her 30th birthday overseas, so we are going to Thailand, Myanmar, and Singapore.  If I applied for a job, or got given a temporary contract, I would have to say I can’t work for about three weeks in November/December.  Perhaps I’m better off being unemployed until then, although that’s a long time to be without a job.  The trip is something to look forward to in any case.  I feel in need of a holiday.  It gets very lonely being at home all day every day (even with the company of a cat).

I’m rather disappointed in the lack of communication from some friends.  Perhaps they are embarrassed for me being out of work, after my “great move to better things”.  I don’t want their pity.  Some positivity would be good, but I get nothing at all.  Disappointing.  When I don’t get responses to emails or messages, I feel there’s no point trying again.  Isn’t it rude not to respond?  I don’t get it.  I just don’t understand people.  I found an old email as I was emptying an account before closing it.  I guess I kept the email because it reminded me of the duplicity of some people who call themselves “friends”.  In the email she called me a bitch (among other things).  She said as a friend she could say such things.  Yeah right.  With friends like that, who needs enemies.  She’d said some nasty things about me to others as well, so it’s no loss.  Needless to say, she hasn’t been a friend since.  It just made me aware, after reading it again, that I just don’t understand why some people behave as they do.  What did I do?  I’m totally unaware of whatever they think I’ve done.  I grew up preferring animals to people.  Still do, for that matter.

I’ll continue walking my path alone.

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Kalang park, Blackburn

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Another week zapped by, another week of boredom and routine.  I thought of going to the summer Shakespeare thing, but it’s only in the evenings and they’re doing King Lear as a ‘circus theme’.  Na.  I hate that sort of shit.  Stick to traditionial.  I don’t like “modernised” versions of Shakespeare (especially when done by American actors, just as an aside).

Anyway, apart from next weekend’s Womad, I have nothing to look forward to.  The semi-planned trip to Sydney doesn’t look like a goer at this stage, unless the girls can organise themselves.  If they’re not keen, so be it.  I can’t bear the thought of the approaching long, cold, dark winter alone.

I’ve been feeling rather grumpy this weekend, stemming from depression and disappointment.   Disappointment that, in this day of multiple forms of communication, people don’t communicate – unanswered emails and messages, waiting on shit for others do decide/act before I can do anything further – the usual.  I just get pissed off.

I went along to the anti-TPP protest in town, knowing full well that no-one I know would turn up.  People either don’t know anything about it or just don’t give a fuck.  Apathy will be the end of us all.  I saw the usual suspects – the same people turn up to these things.  I did, however, see a colleague, which was a nice surprise.   She wanted to tag along with me, but I saw E, H’s friend, and dashed off to hug her and talk to her.  I guess it’s the nearest thing to being in touch with H.

Emptiness and loneliness – that’s my life these days.  I’ve been playing Sims 2 again, just as something to do, feeling at a loss, not knowing what the fuck to do in the weekends apart from the usual chores.  I wonder what the point is in keeping anything tidy, as no-one will see it anyway.  It’s just me.  Nothing on TV, so the evenings are just as empty.  Oh, the self-pity.  Pour me another G&T.

At least this working week will be short – Friday off for travelling to New Plymouth for Womad, even though AL can’t pick me up til 4.30.  I’ll use the day to do the usual weekend chores.

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I’m so glad I did take the time off.  I couldn’t bear the smug ignoramuses at work.  They don’t have a clue.  Seriously.

Working through my loneliness, slowly.  Keeping busy helps, naturally, but then it suddenly hits me.

I’m sick of this place now it’s empty.

And I’m emptying it even more with more decluttering and getting rid of shit I no longer want.  Over the past few days I’ve given away the microwave (I hate microwaves – never used it other than to heat up stuff unevenly), a borer-ridden desk, and a small cabinet which was in the garage, as well as other shit that was dumped on me by the ex including a brazier, a non-working weedeater and heavy old waterblaster.  They got snapped up quickly, thankfully.  I finally dropped off a bird cage which I’d sold and had never got picked up.  No-one home but I left it and let them know.  No thanks at all.  Still waiting for a guy to pick up H’s smaller desk.  I’ve been waiting a week.  Fuck, people are so annoying and inconsiderate – rude, in fact.

There were a few bags to give to charity as well as some CDs and DVDs that H no longer wanted (all her Iron Maiden CDs, which I’m sure she only listened to because her ex-boyfriend was crazy about them).  I had set aside a few nice books and pottery to sell but am fed up with TradeMe frustrations and took them to the Red Cross, taking advantage of them actually being open.  I dropped off the other bags of stuff to another charity and sold the CDs and DVDs to Cash Converters.  The next round of bags for charity has already begun.  I opened a trunk in the garage which I thought was empty and it seemed full of material and old embroidery.  Some material is required for the local Spring festival this weekend so I can drop that off.  The rest can join more junk for the next drop-off.  I kept some of the nicer old embroidery.  I think it may have been my grandmother’s unless my mother did it in her younger days – much of it is unfinished.  The rest of the trunk, which looked like material, was actually old crockery wrapped up in material.  I stood there in shock.  I had no idea.  That trunk had been in the garage for 20 years and I had thought it empty.  I’ve left it there for now, not knowing what to do with it.

I’ve painted a couple of window frames/sills.  I’ve done a half-arsed job but I no longer care.  I’m sick of redecorating.  I still have the lounge ceiling to paint but can’t face it yet.  Today I also repotted some plants and mowed the lawn.

I’m really not enjoying work lately.  The focus has changed to digital stuff and I spend a large chunk of my day just adding URLs to records – it’s really, really boring.

So, as you can tell, I’m fed up in general.  I want out.  I’m supposed to be going to a conference in February and it will be booked next week.  I had hoped to have another job by then, I”m so fed up, but then what?  I don’t know.  I guess I’ll have to wait another six months ffs.  I feel stuck…

And the weather doesn’t help – four seasons in one day – rain, wind, sunshine, cold, hail, sunshine, rain, more wind, and an earthquake to top it off.  Great.

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Last weekend H and her boyfriend and I visited my bro’s place near the east coast.  They have had a lot of rain (which we’ve since had every day) and so the day we arrived was their first sunny day in weeks (while we had had dry and sometimes warm weather).  Saturday was overcast but still, so we headed over to Otahome beach nearby, where I’d never been before.  It was like driving over a farmer’s track through his paddocks – narrow, windy, gravel road and no fences, so bro had to slow down for sheep and lambs on the road.  Luckily he has a 4WD so could  handle the bends and hills easily.  I wouldn’t fancy the road in my car.  The view from the top of the track was stunning.  Looking north towards Castlepoint you could see Castle rock in the distance.

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The many lambs were gorgeous.

It was nice along the beach, and the rocky formations are fascinating.

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Bro’s dog loved digging holes (for no reason other than to dig).

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The following day was very wet so we spent much of it inside playing Siedler (Settlers of Catan).  I didn’t do well at all, except for the very last game.

I found it interesting that my brother, who always loved New Zealand and moved back nine years ago after over 10 years in Europe, is now disillusioned and wants to leave again.  He’s seen New Zealand get worse and worse with regard to the way of life and in particular the environment.

The trip was tinged with sadness because it was H’s last before she headed to Melbourne (to live!).

On Friday just been I took her down to Wellington to stay overnight at her cousin’s before flying off at 6.20 am.  She spent much of that day sorting through stuff and packing (having been too busy up to then to finalise it all).

I drove back home that night alone and to an empty house.  The next 24 hours were hard.  I knew it was coming and I hadn’t looked forward to it, but the thought of never having her car in the driveway, never expecting her back in the evening after working or visiting her boyfriend, never hearing her voice in the house or cooking in the kitchen, or being able to share things fills me with immense loneliness.  It’ll take some getting used to.

The other majorly depressing thing is the result of yesterday’s election – the National party getting in for yet another term.  Seemingly the majority of those who voted don’t care about National’s damaging policies or the corruption that takes place.  They only voted for National because they always have or because the candidates “looked nice” so I can only conclude that they’re rich and selfish, or ignorant and stupid.  I don’t understand it at all.  Every intelligent person I know said they were voting Green and yet the Green party didn’t even do as well as the last election when there seemed no hope.  There are many reasons why a vote for National was distressing.  A vote for them was a vote for the following:

The TPP

https://www.eff.org/issues/tpp

Spying

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/10503457/Snowden-claims-explained

http://www.nbr.co.nz/article/wholesale-spy-power-precisely-what-gcsb-bill-means-kiwis-ck-144551

Sale of land to foreigners

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11181102

Mining and drilling

http://www.3news.co.nz/politics/minister-didnt-know-park-was-in-drilling-plan-2014040817

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/AK1409/S00219/shock-as-company-gets-go-ahead-in-the-karangahake-gorge.htm

http://www.3news.co.nz/environmentsci/govt-opens-mauis-dolphin-area-for-oil-drilling-2014061715

Dirty rivers

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11160833

Corrupt MPs

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11247716

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11316800

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11313041

Funding cuts

https://www.greens.org.nz/news/press-releases/national-cut-38-billion-health-education-and-environment-spending

http://polity.co.nz/content/national-cuts-charity-funding-because-charity-criticises-national

Lack of action in Christchurch

http://www.3news.co.nz/tvshows/campbelllive/full-video-christchurch-4-years-on-2014090420

The whole thing upsets and saddens me.  I’m seriously considering following my daughters to Australia, and my brother says he now can’t wait to leave.  My decluttering and redecorating have made the sale of the house possible.  My greatest fear, however, is that I won’t find a job.   It’s going to be a difficult few months…

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Carpet and washing machine were delivered on Wednesday.  Good.  Machine works and I hope it continues to work for at least 6 months!

Then the toilet blocked up and water wouldn’t drain properly in the sinks.  Not sure if it was this or the crappy weather, or both, that made me feel depressed for the past couple of days.  The first plumber I contacted didn’t get back to me, so I contacted another who’s just been.  The first plumber gave me an approximate quote plus GST and labour just to have a look.  It was expensive.  Second plumber was a cheery bloke – many plumbers seem to whistle.  I think if the plumber whistles he’s a good one – haha.  He took an hour with a machine and even replaced washers on a tap  and in the toilet cistern for no extra charge.  Gave me a 50% discount for the Saturday callout fee and wrote the invoice at a cheaper rate if I paid today (and I’ve already paid).  It was cheaper than just the callout fee for the other plumber.  I’m glad they didn’t get back to me straight away.

Anyway, whether it’s because the drains are cleared or because it’s actually sunny today, my mood is way better.

For the past two days with the weather being grey and rainy, I tended to go on the computer and muck around and do bits and pieces of stuff around home, with little motivation.  While waiting for the plumber today (and he came about an hour and a half later than he said he would), I made sure to have the computer off to force myself to do other stuff while waiting.  So I tidied, cleaned windows, swept the front path and sorted through some genealogy notes.  This may also have contributed to my better mood – having achieved a few things, rather than mope.

H has been working and often spends the evening or night with friends so I’ve been alone, having to cook (last night I couldn’t be bothered) and either played Sims 2 (and even downloaded some new stuff for it) or caught up on watching “Vikings” and “Game of Thrones”, drinking and eating sweet stuff in my depressed mood.  My depression turned to anger last night (for no apparent reason), and then I felt like crying (again for no apparent reason).

It’s felt like a bit of a wasted week off.  I was supposed to do so much more but being depressed meant I just didn’t want to.  I could not be bothered doing much at all.  Washing dishes was the main accomplishment each day.

H says we’ve been invited to dinner at a friend’s tonight.  I”m not feeling sociable but she’s already said yes.  Now having a late lunch and heading off to do some grocery shopping.  I need to get out of the house (and away from the neighbour’s screaming kid).

Back to the grind on Monday – this is also a depressing thought.

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Daylight saving has finally ended.  It means I can sleep a bit longer in the morning, but I’ve been getting tired at night by 9.30 pm (when I usually go to bed at 10.30 pm), so could do with the clock going forward at the end of the day.  But no, I’ll be going to bed even later or going at the equivalent of 8.30 pm.  Ho hum.

I don’t know whether it’s because of the changing seasons and it getting darker but I’ve been rather depressed lately (as mentioned in my last post, I think).  I”ve been waking up grumpy.  I hope the extra hour in the morning helps, although it will soon get dark again in the morning.  One day I was so tired and headachey that I took the day off work.  Of course, I couldn’t sleep once I was up, although I did lie down in the sun for a bit.  I haven’t felt like taking photos lately – not feeling inspired at all.

I’ve been using TradeMe for getting rid of superfluous items.  It’s as frustrating as ever.  I might get up to 30 ‘watches’ on an item but no-one bids.  I sell an item and it takes forever for the buyer to get in touch or pay the correct amount, etc.  However, I’ve managed to get rid of a bookshelf, an aluminium ladder, and just yesterday H’s electric guitar with amp.  There are more items I no longer want but it’s all such a tedious process.  Even if I give them away, it’s a pain to find somewhere to take it or for someone to pick it up.

I only got one bit of painting done last weekend – the window frames in the spare room.  I had forgotten that bro and sis-in-law were dropping by on Saturday, meeting first in town for lunch, then going to the anti TPPA demonstration in town.  Disappointing turnout, but then barely anyone actually knows about the agreement, which is being talked about behind closed doors between a select few in government and the US – and it’s called democracy.  Democracy, my arse.  Unfortunately, even when people read about it, they can’t be arsed doing anything about it – i.e. complaining.  When all our rights have been taken away, then they might complain (when it’s too late) – but probably not if they can still go shopping or have their heads bowed over a mobile device.  Sorry, my anger and cynicism showing.

Yesterday I did bugger all.  I tidied up the spare room and vacuumed, ready for wallpapering.  Today I’ll paint the inside walls of the sunroom.

Thankfully just a four-day week for me this week.  Hopefully I’ll find enthusiasm for something (other than work, of course).

Postscript:

I got the painting done in the sunroom.  Now I just need flooring in there to complete it.  While waiting for paint to dry in between coats, I went through some more stuff in my room and managed to consolidate another couple of boxes into existing ones and threw the boxes into recycling.  It’s a long and laborious process – and emotional.  I read a letter my mother wrote to me when I was 16 and just burst into tears.  H was at work, thankfully.

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Had the holiday, now it was time to get some stuff done around the house.  The first weekend was recovery time and washing and preparing for work.

The painter had finished the house.  All that needed doing was the window trim.  The painter had bought some light grey for the concrete bit around the bottom of the house, so I used that.  Not the most striking contrast, but I wasn’t too bothered.   I painted them all on the second weekend.  There was still paint left over, so I painted the concrete part of the sunroom on the outside, making it look ten times better (that was weekend three).

I have asked the painter to do the wallpapering in the spare room.  I hate wallpapering and I know I’ll never get around to it.  I had stripped basically all the room, but just had the pelmet to do.  That is now done and sanded.  Now I’m waiting for H to go through some junk to make room.  I’m trying to sell a bookshelf, without luck.

This three-day weekend (I took Friday off) I tackled the painting of the middle window of the sunroom.  I had told the painter to ignore it.  I sanded and painted the outside, and today did the inside.

Two plants in the garden bed at the front of the house had died – whether due to lack of water or paint/chemicals, I don’t know.  I bought replacements yesterday and planted them.  I also bought three trees to plant at the front boundary.

Today I cleared the mess that was the ‘garden’ at the boundary.  After two plants had died and been removed some time ago, the grass had taken over.  I pulled out all the grass and poisoned the suckers from the street tree.  I planted the three trees.  I hope they grow thick and fast.  Now, apart from the huge rubbish heap at the back of the garage, the property is looking fairly tidy.  During weekend two I fixed up the broken gate, but ideally the side fence and gate need replacing.  Hmm.

Next weekend I may either paint the window frames in the spare room or paint the concrete on the inside of the sunroom (or both).  Window frames in the kitchen and lounge also need doing.  It’s never-ending.

I have been feeling depressed.  House stuff has kept me busy at least.   I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and enjoy.  Whoever said that holidays make you refreshed for work was wrong.  It’s just made me feel miserable.  Every work day is the same – tedious.  Anyway, enough misery.  Onwards…

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