Day nine

I reached over 15,000 words this morning.  I seem to do better in the mornings.

Not happy with my sketch, a copy of a photo I took of wind turbines and toi-tois.  Sometimes you don’t know whether to do more to make it look better or just stop.  Oh well, inspiration might come sometime.

Day 9: landscape

 

Feeling quite lonely today.   It doesn’t help to play music which is rather sombre or to read a book which exasperates you.  Lovely weather so I’ve done some weeding and will mow the lawn.   The sun is too hot to stay in for any length of time, but I don’t want to be inside in this empty, empty house.

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That time of year

I’ve been feeling rather lonely lately.  H has been out on jobs and hasn’t been home much at all lately.  When she finally moves out, I’m going to be very lonely.  I also tend to feel rather lonely over the Xmas/New Year period so perhaps this melancholy coming upon me is the start of that.  My parents died in late December and early January – the very period when we’re off work and supposedly spending time with family.

Yesterday I didn’t achieve much.  A friend popped by in the afternoon and we had beer and fish and chips.  She left about 9 pm.

This morning I mowed the lawn and applied another coat of paint to the doors.  I’m hoping there’s enough paint for a final coat but it’s getting low.  It would be a waste to  have to buy another litre just for one more coat on a few doors.

Not sure what to do now.  I’ve written a couple of Christmas letters to my aunts in Australia, wrapped up a gift for the charity gift drive at work.  I can’t stay outside much.  For one thing, it gets too hot and for another I can’t bear the smell of the privet flowers.  (I don’t know where they are – I suspect some neighbour has a tree or hedge.)  I’m not in the mood to tidy or clean – just mope.  I don’t have any interesting books to read at the moment either.  I’m currently reading about three but they’re not interesting enough to pick up and persevere with.

Two more weeks of work – 10 working days – and then two weeks off before another year of work looms ahead.  I’m looking forward to going to my brother’s for Xmas – just 2 nights – but that’s about all.

Another cup of tea while I think about what to do with the rest of the day…

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Limbo time

I always find this period between Christmas and New Year and the start of work again rather weird.  Time passes unmarked but quickly, hot weather drains and you wander round between chores, games, browsing, reading and watching (TV and/or DVD).  It’s also the time that I feel most alone even if surrounded by family.

Christmas Day was fairly ordinary.  Because my brother does not want gifts there is no gift-giving – just another ordinary day with lots of food and alcohol.  No decorations, even.  The weather was not pleasant – cold and drizzly.  At one point I found myself alone – my brother and sister-in-law having wandered off to check the sheep in a neighbouring paddock, my daughters and their boyfriends chatting away together over a board game.  I strolled over to my brother’s tree paddock – a paddock he’s trying to establish as a forest.  I wanted to sit there on my own with a book.  I felt unwanted and unneeded, inadequate.  I knew it was because everyone else was half of a couple and I had no-one with whom to share things.  I felt incredibly lonely.

I’m heading off to my friend’s place in Tauranga in a couple of days’ time.  Part of me doesn’t want to go – I fear I’ll feel the same inadequacies and loneliness, but at the same time I know I’ll enjoy the company.  I baffle myself.

All too quickly on my return, the time will zoom by and another year of work will start all over again and, unless I find another job, another year of boredom and struggling financially.

Incredibly, on 2nd January it will be 30 years since my mother died and it’s just on 25 years since my father died.  It doesn’t seem possible.

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Hibernation as an option

Mood: melancholy

I wish I could hibernate.  Winters are cold and lonely.  Long nights spent at home alone after long boring days at work.  I’d rather curl up in bed and sleep it all away.

Depression creeps up on me.  It paralyses me.  When I’m at work I think of all these things that need doing at home, then I get home and waste my time online, unable to think of what I need to do.  Nothing seems important.

I never heard back from that friend I confided in.  He appeared online tonight for about 20 seconds.  Not much of a friend it seems.

The other friend… the less said the better, I think.

My mind’s blank.  I just want to sleep.

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