Archive for September, 2005

Feeling sad and lonely

Mood: melancholy

Finally I found a website that sold a copy of music of S’s band.  Too late.  They’d sold out and there aren’t many copies in existence.  I should have done a more thorough search when I found out one existed over a year ago.  S had promised to send me one, but he never did.

Had strange dreams, and woke up feeling sad.


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I miss S terribly.

This morning I happened across a letter he wrote… I paused… stopped what I was doing and picked it up.  I didn’t open it.  It was enough just to touch it, to hold it.  I knew the contents – how many times have I read it?  I had a moment of overwhelming sadness and longing.  Tears welled.

Then back to reality, getting ready for work and the day’s routine.

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It was an effort to move this morning.  Pouring with rain and I could have done with a bit of extra sleep.  My brain was on slow-mo’ at work.  Bit of coffee seemed to help but exhausted by the time I got home.

I have a proposal to write with a tight deadline.  Dammit. 

Too tired to even think.  Later, perhaps.

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What a weekend

Two days is never enough of a break from work.  It barely gives you time to catch up with chores let alone relax or engage in something else.

I went along to Dave’s yesterday.  The wind was cold so we were crammed into his little house for eats and sundry DVD/video watching, CD listening and some jamming in the garage.  Was a great night.  Some left early and the rest of us imbibed a bit more.  7 of us crashed for the night (as he lives out in the wops and we had had too much to drink).  I’m not sure when I got to sleep but I seemed to be aware all too soon of the birds singing – did I sleep at all?  My head wasn’t too stuffed, surprisingly.  But enough not to want to do anything but sleep.  But I can’t or won’t sleep – such a waste of an already short weekend.  Dave has a massive collection of music and I heard some more new stuff – Therion, Opeth and Die Krupps.  He copied one of his Therion cds for me.   I played my Little Britain video for Dave who’d wanted to see it.  He loved it – was laughing constantly.

So, a wasted weekend in terms of work, but good for relaxation – seems I can never do both – they should make 3 day weekends compulsory (at the same rate of pay of course. 🙂 )

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Just sometimes

I despise work.  The people who work there are a temperamental lot.  It can be all laughs and fun one day and sarcasm and ill-temper the next.  It’s at the sarcasm – haha (point finger) stage at the moment which I find despicable.  Mocking your co-workers and thinking it’s funny shows a total lack of respect…I’m just so annoyed right now.  I would love to be applying for other jobs right now.  They come and go but there are none on offer at the moment.  I look forward to the day I leave and can tell them where to stick it.

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Limbo land

You know, the land of waiting.  Waiting for that moment you dread, after which you can relax.  It may not be that bad but I hate having things hang over me.  So I’m looking forward to Thursday (post Wednesday!) and particularly the weekend.  Spending the weekend at Dave’s, which should be fun.  And the forecast is fine.Was tired last night. Was just about to sign out online when I saw Trev.  Haven’t seen him in ages and would have liked to have said hello, but didn’t think it fair to say ‘hi’ followed by ‘sorry I’m tired, bye’.  I resisted the urge to send a message.  Hopefully I’ll see him online again soon.  I miss chatting to people online.  They’ve all found a real life, or just don’t go online so much.  So there is hope, I think, for net addicts.  I used to chat frequently, sometimes for hours at a time.  These days I barely go on for more than half an hour and certainly not every night.  Too busy for one thing.  And the friends I had are not there.It’s quite sad,  having made some good friends online, to lose touch with them.  It’s inevitable, I guess, as real life takes over.  Don’t really like the term ‘real life’ although I guess it’s the only proper description.  But the ‘real’ implies that online friendships and conversations are not real.  But they are – very much so.  They involve the most important part of you – your mind and emotions.  There may not be the physical feedback, but you become involved nevertheless.Rambled enough.  Still feeling a little tired and I still need to prep for tomorrow.

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There’s nothing quite like a cup of coffee, pleasant music and sheltering from a cold, windy day outside, cat curled up beside you.Close my eyes and drift away – reflect, regret, celebrate, mourn.  Music can bring all these emotions to the surface.I have to venture out into the cold wind – not looking forward to it.  Nor am I looking forward to the day drawing to a close, making me fear the following stressful two days.  I have a presentation to make – online!  My last attempt was fraught with technical difficulties, so I’m hoping and praying that the computer behaves itself and that I can set up the laptop as a backup.  The nerves will start in earnest on Wednesday.  I was close to panic last time with delayed starts because of the stupid (kick), idiotic (kick), fickle (kick) computer.No really, you’re a nice computer (strokes hard drive).  Good grief.

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