New beginnings

Well, I thought the presentation went ok but I wasn’t sure about some of my answers to the interview questions.

The second interview the next day was on a day of torrential rain – I got soaked and had to try and dry myself under the toilet hand-dryer before going up for the interview.  On the way I met two or three people I hadn’t seen for some time and they were happy to see me and two of them made plans to catch up with me soon.  This incident served to remind me that there are actually people out there that do want to know me and meet up socially.  I get so self-absorbed sometimes during my episodes of depression and loneliness that I forget (or refuse to believe) that that is so.

Anyway, getting back to the interview.  It went well.  I was confident and kept trying to stress my strengths as my main weakness was lack of experience.  I knew I would be up against experienced candidates.

The following morning my boss was called to provide a reference (she knew about my application).  Later that morning just before I went off to lunch, I was called to say I was the “preferred candidate” – ie I was being offered the job.  I was quite dumbfounded and am still finding it hard to believe, it all happened so quickly.  (This all happened the day before yesterday.)  I will probably believe it when I see the confirmation letter – when it’s in writing I’ll know it’s true. 

Back soon, once I’ve got over the shock.

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Hope

I’ve applied for two jobs.  I was paranoid that I wouldn’t get  an interview.  I now have two interviews early next week, one of which involves giving a presentation – eek.  I’ve never had to do that before and the mere thought is nerve-wracking.  Luckily it’s only 5 minutes but still – preparation…

There goes plans for a relaxing weekend.

My latest bout of depression appears to have included an element of paranoia – not just about not getting interviews (thinking that if I didn’t I’ll never get another job and will be stuck here forever), but also with regard to friends.  When I get no response from them I begin to think they hate me or I’ve offended them or something…  It’s illogical, I know, but it was definitely there – still is to an extent.  I begin to think that I have no friends at all, that they don’t want to see me, that I’m out of sight, out of mind and forgotten.

I blame the isolation of this job – few people to talk to, working with a small staff in the ‘wops’ away from the bustle of town and campus life elsewhere.  I get rather lonely.  I come to work, I go home, seeing only staff.  My only contact with friends is through email and facebook and if there is silence there, particularly when I’ve asked a question or made a comment, then I think they don’t care enough, don’t like me, want nothing to do with me. 

At one stage my paranoia even had me thinking I was too ugly to be seen.  I’d seen recent photos of myself and felt repelled.

Self loathing and low self-esteem are responsible.  I have struggled with them my whole life.

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