Will have to make an effort

I’m sure I’ll get more active when spring is definitely here but in the meantime, because I forget to make lists, I’m not getting anything done.  The computer doesn’t help.  It’s almost a habit now that I turn it on first thing in the morning and before I know it, it’s heading towards lunchtime.  The “I’ll just check Facebook while I’m having breakfast” doesn’t work.

Anyway, neglected are: genealogical research, slide scanning, the garden (too wet…), decluttering, grandmother’s diary blog, book blog, ‘renovating’ rooms.

I have started practising belly dancing however.  I guess the show got me enthused.  I’ll start up at classes again on the 31st.  I was disappointed with my photos that night, as I mentioned before.  The only decent photo I got from the night was one of part of the theatre.

Just had a phone call from a friend inviting me for lunch next weekend.  She can talk for hours (I think I was on the phone for an hour) so she’s interrupted my thoughts….

Went to a 40th birthday yesterday.  I wish I was 40 again.  I feel like I’ve only just started to get anywhere with work and before I know it I’ll be at retirement age.  Best not dwell.

Sad news yesterday that the father of another friend passed away.  It hadn’t clicked before that he was born the same year as my father so they were contemporaries.  It’s quite a blow when a parent dies – it’s like the end of an era, the end of the links with childhood and a ‘family home’.  Mind you, I was only 24 when my father died and I was then an orphan, so it was a long time ago and it really was a break with childhood.  It would have been my father’s 89th birthday tomorrow.  So I’m thinking of him as well as my friend in her loss.  Whenever there’s a death, of course, it makes you realise that all else is trivia – the grumbles about work and the weather, etc, etc.  Of course trivia also helps keep your mind off the pain and you have to deal with that every day anyway.  (I’ve started rambling…)

Talking of weather (which I do tend to do), it’s not as pleasant as it was yesterday.  We got the national high of 17 deg C yesterday and I was able to sit outside in a t-shirt reading ‘Dance with Dragons”.  It almost felt like I was getting sunburnt.  It felt like spring is on its way.  But not today.  And the forecast is rain for the working week.

Better get off here and do something productive…

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My depression continues

I especially feel in the pits when I view some of the wonderful photos on blogs I follow.  The lucky buggers live in far more interesting places than I do, with photos of castles and magnificent scenery, etc etc.  As I’m pretty much a hermit, I struggle to take any photos in the weekend as I go nowhere.  I have to justify any trip into town, and the miserable greyness just dampens my spirits (physically as well as figuratively).   Just talked to my bro last night (it was his birthday).  He had just come back from an awesome trip to Australia:  Melbourne to be with aunt and cousins on her 81st birthday; a short flight to Adelaide; a drive from Adelaide to Darwin, stopping at Uluru; stay with friends in Darwin; then a hop across to Brisbane to be at the birthday of our other aunt who had her 91st birthday, then home.  I’m green with envy.  He’s seen way more of Australia than I have.  I can only afford one week stays in one city at a time.  I just get more miserable thinking about it, while I return to my tedious job surrounded by brown walls.

I did get out last night.  There was a belly dancing show on in town.  Normally I would’ve been part of one of the dance groups, but I haven’t been to belly dancing classes for about 8 months now.  I hadn’t intended to go to the show but H told me her friend E was performing and that she would go.  I decided to go after all and then H told me she was heading to Wellington this weekend.  I’d bought my ticket by then so I persuaded two others at work to join me – I didn’t want to go by myself.  We met at the Celtic pub for a quick drink beforehand, then got some seats close to the stage.  Many of the performances were very good.  There were some equally average ones (and I’m not referring to the beginners, who did well).  In amongst all the belly dancing was, bizarrely, some local flamenco dancers who went on a bit long I thought – three middle-aged women and a younger woman accompanied by my old Japanese lecturer (who was definitely looking old) on guitar.  They were ok and impressive to someone who hadn’t seen flamenco dancing before but I’d seen real Spanish dancers at Womad who were truly amazing.  Anyway, all in all, a good evening and it was great to have company.

I took a few photos, hoping to get at least one decent shot for my photoblog.  But I must’ve had the camera on the wrong setting by mistake as nearly all of them were blurry and useless.  Out of 20 photos, I deleted 13 and only kept the rest as a vague/blurry record of the evening.  Oh well.

Very cold and very wet today.  I had intended to continue painting the bathroom but the weather just makes me more miserable.  I did clean the fridge, however.  I doubt the clothes I washed yesterday will dry though.  Might be a struggle to come up with some work clothes for another week of the doldrums.

My tinnitus varies.  It was particularly loud and the hearing sensitivity was bad on Monday and Tuesday.  Then it improved during the week.  Last weekend was so annoying I wanted to cry.  Not so bad this weekend.  I wonder what the hell sets it off – some food or drink or something.  It’s like having a friggin’ power station in my head.  And all this only started in April.  Any tinnitus I had before then (and I’ve had it for 20 years) was so mild as to not be noticeable except sometimes in the quietiest of nights.  Just another annoyance to add to my depression….

Sorry to add another blog entry of Misery.  I always do feel depressed in winter.  I hate the season – always so damp, cold and grey.

I might now watch an episode of “Hell on Wheels” which H discovered.  There are some good TV shows out there – it’s just that they don’t show them on free TV and buggered if I’m paying overinflated prices for pay TV to watch maybe two shows a week.

Yay for books.

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Symptoms

When I went to the specialist, he asked me to give a number between 1 and 10 on how much or little I felt a list of symptoms he read out. I had most of them. Here’s a list I found online for this particular disorder:

Loss of energy. Don’t feel like doing much. Tired all the time. Chronic fatigue.

Just don’t feel well; don’t quite feel normal. Hard to explain but just feel kind of bad.

Feel old. Don’t have the interest in things that you used to.

Can’t concentrate, or can’t keep your concentration like in the past.

Depression.

Osteoporosis and Osteopenia.

Bones hurt; typically it’s bones in the legs and arms but can be most bones.

Don’t sleep like you used to. Wake up in middle of night. Trouble getting to sleep.

Tired during the day and frequently feel like you want a nap (but naps don’t help).

More irritable and harder to get along with (cranky, bitchy).

Forget simple things that you used to remember very easily (worsening memory).

Gastric acid reflux; heartburn; GERD.

Decrease in sex drive.

Thinning hair (predominately in middle aged females on the front part of the scalp).

Kidney Stones.

High Blood Pressure (sometimes mild, sometimes quite severe; up and down a lot).

Recurrent Headaches (usually patients under the age of 40).

Heart Palpitations (arrhythmias). Typically atrial arrhythmias.

Atrial Fibrillation (rapid heart rate, often requiring blood thinners and pacemakers).

High liver function tests (liver blood tests)

I have 13 out of 20 of these symptoms and wonder how long I’ve had this problem, before I finally found a GP who actually listened to me and got some tests done.

I am supposed to be having another appointment in 3 weeks after a couple of test results have come through. Either the specialist was overly optimistic or he has no idea how the health system is faring, but one of the tests is after the scheduled appointment, and I’m on the waiting list for the other, which is probably weeks if not months of waiting. (You can’t even get tests in this country these days. A GP once tried to get me to have a colonoscopy (my mother died of bowel cancer) but I couldn’t even get on the waiting list – so much for national screening.)

In the meantime, I’m constantly tired and lacking energy (no wonder I want to blob in the weekends) and today I’m headachey and feel crap. Oh well, such is life, but I feel like my life is on hold while I wait…

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Another lazy weekend

And nothing to report.  I did think about going into town today but when I thought about it I couldn’t justify the petrol.  I’ve been looking everywhere for the soft toothbrushes that H and I use but no-one seems to sell them anymore.  I was going to try one more supermarket and thought that if it wasn’t there it’d feel like a wasted trip.  I also thought about going for a walk but again, I just can’t be bothered.  I think Jasmine has more energy than I do.

H is away all weekend.  I seem to just hibernate when she’s not around.  I’m a hermit.  And yet staying home all weekend makes for some boring photos for the photo blog.  I had some ideas but, meh.  I really hope this op makes me feel more active.  Lately I just want to blob.

One thing though – my tinnitus has improved immensely since they blocked the sound off the noisy computer network box.  I suspected it might have contributed to the worsening tinnitus even though it’s claimed the noise would cancel out the tinnitus.  I listened to music to block out the noise and the tinnitus and when I got home my whole head was buzzing and the loud hum continued throughout the day, affecting my hearing.

Now it’s more back to normal and I don’t notice it so much, which is great.  The sensitivy to loud noise or low pitched noise seems to have gone as well.  The GP’s getting me an appointment for a hearing test anyway but I really don’t feel I need it now.

Another week of work coming up – oh joy.  I wish I could get out of this depressed rut of mine….

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