Pretty much settled

So everything is set up and unpacked (but I can’t find the odd small thing that I used to have in a certain place. Where on earth did I put it?). J has settled pretty well. I haven’t taken her outside yet.

Because of the move, my interests have been neglected. I missed a couple of dance classes and found it difficult and unenjoyable to try to catch up so I’ve stopped them for now. The 16th century dances are much easier so I’ll restart those this week. Then there’s a dinner this coming Friday to attend so I’ll get back into the socialising.

I haven’t done any art for some time. I used to paint on my dining table which sat at a bright window. However, at the new place, the dining table is in a corner, and trees overshadow the window so it’s darker. I’m not sure where to paint now. I would like one of those small tables on wheels so I can choose a nice spot.

Still sorting change of address and insurance, etc. The new bed was too hot (why are all beds made with effin foam these days?). I exchanged the bed for something a bit cooler. It’s still a bit warm but I don’t wake up sweating. I don’t know how people can sleep on them. Too late I found out about a place which makes beds without fucking foam. Oh well. I wasn’t impressed with the moving company either, despite rave reviews. One guy in particular did not take care, banging things on walls, etc. I found damage to a bookshelf which I am in correspondence about. I’m glad I transported precious stuff in my car. So it’s been a huge upheaval. I miss the neighbours at the old place and went to see them on Friday. Was nice catching up. I’ve met the new neighbours here (only two) and they’re nice enough but do their own thing and I barely see them. I discovered the landlord of the old place has had to reduce the rent because of lack of interest. No-one is surprised. I lived there for five years and actually miss it, but it was time for a change.

I have yet to update my blog on recent activities (since December). Will do so later. I also have photos to upload for my bird blog. Much to do, as well as re-organising cupboards so I can find stuff! J is loving all the windows to look out of. I was just typing away here and a crimson rosella landed on a branch outside. Fantastic. It flew off when I went to retrieve my camera.

Ciao for now.

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Busy

I haven’t caught up on entries. I still had another two or three blog posts planned but I’ve been too busy and distracted.

Just before the pandemic hit, my landlord wanted to increase the rent. I rejected it, comparing the unit with the identical one next door which had been rented at less than what I was paying. They relented, but the threat was there. Added to that, staying indoors, staring at the same four walls for over a year, day in and day out, meant that I wanted a change of scene. I started searching late last year.

I finally found one I liked, and that was suitable for J (much easier this time round to find places that accept pets). So I’m in the process of packing, to move next weekend. Talk about stressful. J’s been a little unsettled by the upheaval around her. She’ll go into a cattery for a couple of days while the moving and cleaning takes place. It’s just as well I still work from home, as once she gets to the new place, she’ll be quite unsettled for some time (and probably smell the previous tenant’s cats). Once she’s feeling happier, I’ll start heading back into work. Initially, when searching, I thought of moving closer to my work place, but it was unfamiliar territory and I liked where I lived and will move just a couple of suburbs away. When it came down to it, I wanted to live closer to daughter, C, than to work. I can cope with two or three days of commuting a week, and it was never that bad anyway, averaging 40 minutes. This place has now been advertised at a much greater rent than they wanted from me before – an opportunity for the landlord, I guess. I think it’s too much though. There are plenty of similar places around for much less. It will be interesting to see how long it takes to get leased.

I ramble. My thoughts are all over the place. I haven’t been sleeping well as I think about all the things that need doing. We’re getting summery weather at the moment – hotter than it was during actual summer, and the heat has woken me. Once awake, I think. I took the opportunity to get rid of my old queen-sized, IKEA foam mattress/slat bed (which I hated as it was too hot and too firm) and buy a new bed. A nice European (and I mean from Europe, not white) woman picked it up. I had worried about getting rid of it, trying to sell it at first, then just giving it away. New bed bought yesterday and it will be delivered at the new place. Yay.

What else have I been doing? My new year’s resolution, if you can call it that, was to take up sketching and painting again. Over five years ago I bought an acrylic paint set and did nothing with it. I had never painted with acrylics before. So about the 2nd January (the anniversary of my mother’s death), I took up paint brush again, and also started sketching. I wanted to do one painting a week, and daily sketching. (Well, that’s currently fallen by the wayside for obvious reasons.) I joined a Facebook page to encourage me. It’s amazing how many people have taken up art again after decades of not doing so. Lockdown has made people get back into old interests. It’s great.

I’m doing online dance classes. Serena, my favourite belly dancer, was doing them for the same price as attending a local unknown. So I’ve been doing that since February. It’s been a long time since I did any, and I find the choreographies a little difficult, but I’ll persevere for a while. I’m also doing 16th century Italian dancing online. I used to do medieval dancing (not so much Italian) and that’s way easier than belly dancing. I missed the historic dancing, but of course, it’s still not the same as doing it in person with people you know.

And finally, I joined an over 50s group which meet up once a month for dinner or whatever. I need to get out more, meet new people. Melbourne had the longest, and strictest lockdown in the world, I believe, and I got very lonely.

I think that’s it. I will sign off, disconnect the computer and pack it up. I will write again once I’ve organised everything in the new place. Yesterday, after buying a bed, I felt excited for the first time (rather than stressed and worried).

Later!

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Sadness

Well, the disappointment of not being able to travel after over a year of planning has hit hard and as a whole we’re quite depressed. We’ve managed to cancel half of the accommodation, with some yet to sort. I’ve cancelled the cattery. Next up is hopefully a credit with the airline. Then we’ve got to re-organise the whole thing which is a pain in the proverbial. [PS. I’ve just cancelled the flights with a full refund.]

I’ve lost all motivation while working from home. I’ve become lazy. I’ve lost interest in family history for now, not knowing what to do next. The UK trip was based on family history, visiting ancestral villages, etc. We were all so excited.

So, stuck at home, with not even the ability to travel within Australia thanks to a spike in Covid19 cases. While the rest of Australia eases back on restrictions and can travel interstate, in Victoria some suburbs have gone back into lockdown, all thanks to slack, ignorant, or selfish bastards. Thankfully I’m not in one of those suburbs, but may as well be. I only go out to go to the supermarket or visit my daughter. There is no dancing, there are no bird trips, no meetup events. This year is a complete write-off. Added to that, our salaries at work will be cut by 10% because of the loss of income due to no Chinese visitors. How ironic. I’m to stay working at home until the end of the month, then supposedly staggered days, partly at work and partly at home.

So, I’ve just been watching Netflix, Stan, SBS and playing Sims 2 and 4. I get out walking as much as possible but it’s not enough. I’ve put on weight. It’s all rather depressing.

Added to the depression is the number of people I know suffering from, or having died from cancer. A former colleague died in her 40s, and a good friend of mine died in February. I was so shocked to find out and still can’t believe it – that I’ll never see her face again when visiting the town. She was so happy to see me when I gave her a surprise visit two years ago. I had no idea she was ill. It was so sudden.  Another former colleague’s mother has cancer. And the step-sister of the girls’ cousin has brain cancer and has just lost her hearing. They say she won’t last long. She’s only in her early 40s with two young children. So cruel. So heartwrenching. I always liked her – so vibrant and friendly, which makes it all the more horrible. It seems to be true, that only the good die young.

So I should be grateful: that I have my health (despite aches and pains); am alive to see the sun, to appreciate birds singing outside; to have a job. So many – thousands, millions, have lost their lives and livelihoods.

One thing that did make me laugh this morning. My daughter shared a message that the husband of one of her cousins had put on Facebook. He was entering a competition to win a gaming console, claiming that he’d lost his job through “Covert19”. (I know some use that word instead of covid because they think it’s a conspiracy but this guy is not even that “intelligent”.) He didn’t lose his job as a result of Covid19 – he was caught stealing from his workplace – he’s a liar and a thief, pleading innocence even though he was caught on camera. An idiot. He’s the laughing stock of the family and lost any respect he might have had (negligible).

I’ve run out of British comedies to make me laugh. I really enjoyed several seasons of Still Game on Netflix. It took me a couple of episodes to get into it but I loved the characters. Any suggestions for humour appreciated. The second season of AfterLife was not funny at all.

I’d better go. Enough venting.

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Plans go awry

Well, shit, how things can change in three short months.

The new work place was going well. My new supervisor (there seem to be many layers of managers) was also new and we started together. She’s friendly and open but with a tendency to micromanage (weekly meetings – really?).

So yeah, my plans that I was so excited about in my last entry – how could anyone have predicted the devastating effects of the coronavirus? At the moment it seems highly unlikely that travel plans for September will eventuate. My daughter is hopeful. So we’re in limbo, hoping at least that we can postpone bookings to next year if necessary.

So, I’ve been working from home for a month now. At least I got to know my colleagues a bit beforehand. We do regular coffee catchups online and a daily exercise routine which is good. Then the daily team meeting (unnecessary but ok I guess). We’re keeping in touch. I’m over my dislike of seeing myself on screen – to the extent that I finally did a Skype session with bro and daughters (on H’s 30th birthday – poor girl had plans but had to stay put on lockdown).

It hasn’t been too bad working from home. I get to spend more time with my cat, I can sit next to a sunny window (previously my desk was facing a wall and the window was overshadowed by another building), I can listen to music while I work, I can go for walks at lunchtime, and when I finish (instead of commuting for 45-50 minutes).

You have to look at the positive aspects. If you’re lucky enough to live with someone (instead of living alone) you can spend more time together (or maybe that isn’t such a good thing depending on relationships). If you’re lucky enough to work from home (so many have lost jobs), you can get up later, using the time you would have commuted to sleep longer. You get to see colleagues’ houses and pets during online meetings. And in general: if, like me you’re an introvert, you don’t have to worry about people dropping by unannounced; you don’t feel envious about others’ exotic holidays (they’re also stuck at home); it’s good for the environment.

I hope you are all well and surviving, coping with something that still feels surreal. The uncertainty is hard to bear, and knowing the financial repercussions to come… I only wish that the environmental changes could become permanent, but we know that’s not going to happen. Despite people saying that we can’t go back to normal, that we have to make changes, no-one will. It’ll go back to the norm the minute the shops re-open and travel resumes.

Anyway, I’m off now to do housework. The house gets much dirtier with me in it 24/7.

Stay well.

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Hmm

What to write? I had come here to share photos of the latest bird outing, but also wanted to update since the last post, and I had intended to write about my trip to Rarotonga. Perhaps I should have a separate blog about bird outings? I think I might.

So that leaves two things to potentially write about.

Update on last one.  Things are looking up. I got a call from the job that had no work that work is coming but still no update as to when. In the meantime at my other job, I picked up some regular hours until December which is good. And I’ve just had another interview which went much better than the last. It is a very small place and I might get a bit bored but it’s fulltime, pays well, and is close to home. We shall see. It sounds ridiculous but all these positive changes have happened since I made changes to the “money corner” according to feng shui. I’m no great believer, but I felt desperate after the tax office demanded a lot of money. Anything to offset the setback caused by those bastards.

I still don’t particularly feel like blogging about Rarotonga. Maybe because I’ve already shared photos with friends and family.

It’s September already and my daughter tells me she’s already seen Xmas mince pies in the supermarket, ffs. It will come soon enough. I’ll be spending this Xmas in NZ with bro and daughters – looking forward to it. As usual, I have no idea what to get for gifts. I did, amazingly, think of looking in a shop I go to for unusual gifts when I was in the shopping mall lately, but (just my luck), the shop appears to have closed down. Another shop closer to where I live, had a massive sale recently, but I didn’t find out until I was on my way to catching a train to work. Just my luck.

In all honesty, I have no idea what else to write, so I’ll end here.

PS: I have added yet another blog – for birds. Check out the first post. The blog link is under the blog roll.

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What to do, what to do?

I need to make a list of shit I should do when I’ve got free time instead of idly browsing the net. To be fair I was trying to get ideas for Xmas but am no closer to knowing what to get either of the girls. They’re adults with pretty much everything they need. More personal stuff is so subjective I’d be scared of getting something they don’t like. It doesn’t need to be much for H. I shouted her a DNA test. I did the same for C for her birthday. (The results will be interesting.) I’d like to get bro to do one as well. I think it’s like an addiction really. I’ve just bought myself one at Living DNA because I wanted the mitochondrial DNA test. I’m excited about that.

And now my mind is a blank again. I’ve been thinking of scanning some more ephemera. I should get back to my old book blog and continue that. Hmm. Then there’s my grandmother’s diary that I didn’t complete. Yeah, where is it? In a box somewhere.

I’ve been reading and watching stuff. The Belgian TV series Salamander is very good as is Riviera. I started watching a documentary about the development of babies in the womb last night. Can’t recall any decent movies watched lately. Ghost Writer was a disappointment. I wish I could watch some of the British Why do you think you are? but they’re nigh impossible to view if you’re not in the UK (not every episode is on Youtube) and they no longer release them on DVD. How fucking inconsiderate.

Ho hum. Did I mention something about organising my genealogy files? Yeah, I haven’t done anything about that. Useless.

Still making my way through the collection of music bro gave me. Just started playing a mix and what comes up but a Rory Gallagher song “Do you read me?” I haven’t heard that song in DECADES! Ah, brilliant.

Yeah, rambling again. Must do something productive!

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Randomness

A quick post before I head to work. I have no definite idea of what I was going to say here, so bear with me.

I was on Facebook – yes I know – why do I torture myself? I really wish there was an alternative that people would actually use. Anyway, there’s one page I follow, which I shouldn’t. I almost always feel like commenting but instead keep the comments to myself. They obviously feel it’s a great thing and I’m thinking “Really? What nonsense”. The old saying “If you can’t say anything positive say nothing at all” (which is probably why I’m quiet much of the time). The ex used this saying at his mother’s funeral recently. What a hypocrite. He’s the most negative, critical person I can think of. Didn’t listen to his mother’s advice did he?

So yes, I had to dash to NZ for her funeral. She was diagnosed with stomach cancer a month earlier and given two weeks to live. She lasted four. I was away just two nights, as I didn’t have time to get Jasmine vaccinated and into a cattery. I left enough food but still felt guilty at abandoning her, all alone in Australia. It was nice to see some of the girls’ cousins and aunts. That family has a lot of bitterness and gossip which some partake in and others don’t. Needless to say I prefer the company of the ones that don’t. I moved away from Wellington to be away from all that and am now glad I’m even further away.

You can tell I’m writing as I think. As I said – no idea of what I was going to write here.

My bro just visited. He was doing one of his epic journeys around Australia, this time driving from Perth to Sydney, with a stopover in Melbourne, staying with me. It was great to see him. Visiting him is pretty much the only thing I miss about NZ. (I did feel a pang flying over the South Island on the way to Wellington though – I do love the South Island.) So bro stayed three nights. We visited my aunt (father’s brother’s wife) whose short-term memory has gone to pot. She asked us the same questions and mentioned the same incidents. Rather sad. When making a cup of tea she couldn’t remember what she was doing. Luckily she no longer cooks for herself but does still live at the home she’s lived in since the late 50s. Apart from memory she’s still astute. Bro and I spent some time with C and W, playing the obligatory Siedler (Settlers of Catan), going out to dinner, etc. We got a couple of walks in and the weather stayed nice most of the time, with just one afternoon of an impressive thunderstorm. He left on Tuesday morning, driving to cousins in Bairnsdale, before heading up the coast towards Sydney, with a detour to Goulburn where our father, grandfather and great-grandfather lived.

Now listening to some music he left for me – Erik Satie, which I’ve always liked, despite it being quite melancholy (and evocative somehow).

Bro’s visit prompted me to go through some old family documents which I brought over and never seriously looked at. I’ve photographed and scanned some. I only just noticed that my mother’s certificate of cremation had her middle name misspelled. At ex’s mother’s funeral the “celebrant” kept mispronouncing his mother’s name. You’d think they could make the effort to get a deceased’s name right. I found a letter from my mother but could only read the first couple of lines before tears formed. I had to put it away. Another time perhaps.

Anyway, both my physical and electronic files of family history need an overhaul and some tidying up and organising. Anyone who looks at it without me around would have a hard time understanding it all probably.

Well, I think I’ve rattled on aimlessly enough. Time to get ready.

I still haven’t decided whether I’ll write up the trip from a year ago. Time flies so damned quickly.

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Rambling

It’s an interesting thing, this starting again, reinventing yourself in another place, apart from friends and (some) family.  It’s hard to describe.

I was on the train yesterday looking around, always seeing people I’ve never seen before. If I’m on a regular train at the same time each day I will occasionally see a person I’ve seen before but my current work is part-time (at least it’s permanent and not contract) and so I travel at all sorts of times. No-one knows me, no-one judges me, no-one even gives me a second look, and I like it. Too often in my previous life of routine and predictability, seeing the same people day in and day out, I did feel self-conscious for some bizarre reason. If I did something different or wore something different, people would comment (or when I did want them to notice something different, they didn’t). I felt judged. I felt labelled. I was expected to behave in a certain way because that’s the person they thought me.  I’m not expressing myself well here.

Now my mind has gone blank.

It’s cold today and I’m resisting the urge to put the heater on. My hands are finding it difficult to type smoothly. I look out on a totally different environment to one I used to live in, sitting in a chair I never used to own, surrounded by furniture I never had before, in a rented two-bedroomed unit instead of a three-bedroomed house.  I no longer have that “security” of my own home, but I don’t care. The choice was staying in a cold, damp house I didn’t love, in a town I had grown tired of, seeing only a grey future in a boring retirement home, or moving to insecurity and uncertainty, exploring a new environment with more of a feeling of “living” rather than just “surviving”. There is more to life than a job you hate. Ultimately, of course, you can’t change yourself or who you are, but you can change what you do (without judgement?).

My thoughts are a-muddle (is that a word?). Time for a cup of tea and then to get ready for an afternoon shift.

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Long time no write

I was sitting in the sunshine, purring cat on lap and was about to finally update this blog on my tablet, but the tablet is flakey and slow. I couldn’t view the screen to write on when it was vertical, but when turned side on I had about half a centimetre left to actually see what I was writing once the keyboard came up. Totally useless.

Now I’m here (on the PC), I, of course, have forgotten what it was I was going to write, so I guess I’ll write what comes to mind here and now.

Umm…

Life is fine. I still enjoy living in Melbourne despite some loneliness at times. But then I was often lonely back in NZ as well, especially after H left. (The house was way too empty and I couldn’t live there anymore.)  Now, when I see an aeroplane in the sky I don’t yearn to be on it. I love trains so enjoy commuting. There are plenty of birds to listen to and the sun shines way more often. There’s little rain and it never lasts long. I think I’ve used an umbrella about twice and have taken it with me and never had to use it. It does get cold though, but nothing that gets close to freezing. I don’t like anything under 15 deg C so that’s what I call cold and the average here at the moment is 14. They keep saying that Melbourne weather is changeable but compared to the Manawatu, it isn’t at all. There it could be nice and sunny in the morning and then turn to crap. Here it stays pretty much the same all day – if it’s sunny, it will be for most of the day; if it’s grey, it will stay grey most of the day. The weather forecasts are pretty accurate.

Talking of never wanting to go back (in my mind anyway)…  I never completely closed my Facebook account, heading in there very occasionally to see what family members were up to, never staying long, never scrolling through. Then I got sucked into it briefly by a message from FB telling me to upload a picture so friends could recognise me. It’s one of those stupid things that FB says like telling me I should celebrate my friendship with A because we’ve been friends for six years. He’s my brother for fuck’s sake. They keep mucking about with settings but don’t make it intelligent enough to recognise that some “friends” are tagged as relatives. I don’t want to go back to it. I scrolled a bit and saw a mixture of posts from 1 hour ago to 23 hours ago to 3 days ago. WTF? I want to see the latest, dumbarse fucking Facebook. I loathe the bloody thing, but if you’re not on it, you’re not in the loop.  I think it’s rather sad that the only means of communication these days seems to be through Facebook. After I did upload a stupid picture of myself I was inundated with “likes” and comments. The vast majority of them haven’t once emailed me in all the time I’ve been here, even those that I actually did write to (I have been slack on the communication front I must admit). I could be dead for all any of them care. Two of them have visited Melbourne without getting in touch or letting me know. So much for “friends”.

Do I miss NZ? I don’t miss the Manawatu or the place I worked. I do miss my bro and driving through the countryside, visiting him or friends, or the beach, say. I struggle to think of anything else. I’ll visit sometime soon, but have no plans yet.

This arvo I’m off to the rare book fair with M (a fellow Kiwi) which I’m looking forward to. I’m glad she’s come over to live. It’ll be nice to have someone else to hang out with at times. I don’t go to shows because they’re so expensive (so I do miss things like Summer Shakespeare) but there is always the gallery and interesting exhibitions. I enjoyed the David Hockney exhibit but didn’t go to the Van Gogh one, as I’ve been to the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam (and he’s not a favourite artist of mine). There’s always something on somewhere – it’s just a matter of getting there.

Well, I’ve run out of shit to say. I still haven’t written about the trip to Myanmar. Perhaps I will. I finished a genealogy challenge so might feel more enthused to update this blog. I haven’t even updated my photography one as I’ve only taken photos on my mobile recently and didn’t’ think any were particularly good. I’m pretty slack on transferring photos from mobile and camera (when I do use it) to the computer. I just did the mobile transfer of five months’ worth of pics. Still haven’t done the camera transfer. I might take my camera this arvo.

Adios, and if there are any readers left, thanks for reading.

Buddha day, Fed square

Korean girls in costume, Fed square

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Disappointing

I can safely say I’m sick of cold, wet weather.  Sunshine has been sporadic for the past month or so.  Apparently, so far, it’s been the coldest, wettest spring in Melbourne for several years.  Great.  I shouldn’t complain – it would be the same or worse in the Manawatu.

I am still jobless, sadly.  I have applied for a few jobs but haven’t been able to get an interview as the other candidates were of a “high calibre”.  Great.  I am disappointed in the agency I’m signed up with.  I’ve had two phone calls from them in three months.  I called back immediately after missing one of the calls but by the time I managed to contact them, the position had gone.  Thanks.  Not impressed.  The woman I had before was brilliant.  This guy doesn’t sound like he gives a shit.  I saw a job advertised this morning.  It was for a one year contract at the same place I had an interview at late last year.  I figured I should apply for it, after fiddling with my CV again, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it.  The interview had been one of the most humiliating experiences of my life: – a panel of about five people seated around me, unsmiling and unfriendly.  I stuttered, spilt the glass of water, and seemingly didn’t answer their odd questions to their satisfaction.  Just to get to the interview was a one hour tram ride from the CBD.  I can’t go through that experience again.  I willed myself to apply, but then just cried.  I can’t do it.

Some days I’m really depressed about the situation.  Other days I try to think positively and fill the day with interests.  I’ve done a couple of (free) courses online, the latest one being a four-week photography one through RMIT, after a six-week genealogy one through the University of Tasmania.  I am doing weekly blog entries about genealogy.  I have just written another one which has taken most of the day.  When it’s fine (which it certainly isn’t today), I go for walks and take my camera with me.  In the evenings I watch one of many excellent TV series and movies on SBS On Demand.

A trip is planned with the girls in November.  C wanted to celebrate her 30th birthday overseas, so we are going to Thailand, Myanmar, and Singapore.  If I applied for a job, or got given a temporary contract, I would have to say I can’t work for about three weeks in November/December.  Perhaps I’m better off being unemployed until then, although that’s a long time to be without a job.  The trip is something to look forward to in any case.  I feel in need of a holiday.  It gets very lonely being at home all day every day (even with the company of a cat).

I’m rather disappointed in the lack of communication from some friends.  Perhaps they are embarrassed for me being out of work, after my “great move to better things”.  I don’t want their pity.  Some positivity would be good, but I get nothing at all.  Disappointing.  When I don’t get responses to emails or messages, I feel there’s no point trying again.  Isn’t it rude not to respond?  I don’t get it.  I just don’t understand people.  I found an old email as I was emptying an account before closing it.  I guess I kept the email because it reminded me of the duplicity of some people who call themselves “friends”.  In the email she called me a bitch (among other things).  She said as a friend she could say such things.  Yeah right.  With friends like that, who needs enemies.  She’d said some nasty things about me to others as well, so it’s no loss.  Needless to say, she hasn’t been a friend since.  It just made me aware, after reading it again, that I just don’t understand why some people behave as they do.  What did I do?  I’m totally unaware of whatever they think I’ve done.  I grew up preferring animals to people.  Still do, for that matter.

I’ll continue walking my path alone.

Kalang park, Blackburn

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