Blogs are passé

It’s been near on three years since I updated this blog. Other social media apps have taken over. Now everyone uses Facebook and Instagram, Tiktok or Whatsapp (never used the latter two). It’s sad really, because all you get is a picture or one line updates. It reveals nothing of the thoughts or feelings behind those updates. I’ve stopped using Facebook after being attacked for sharing my concerns about the state of the world. I thought friendships could survive the difference of political opinion, but it seems no.

Perhaps my “extreme” or “conspiracy” views were just too much for them. For whatever reason, they’ve fallen off the radar. I’m the same person they professed to be friends with (I’ve always had an open and curious mind). I didn’t realise how conditional that friendship was. I no longer bother updating Facebook at all and Instagram very little. I could be deeply depressed or struggling but no-one gives a fuck enough to enquire.

There are some, though, who seem to have just cut all communication with me for some reason without any indication. I was not aware of offending them at all. The likes of MI and VQ, before so friendly and wanting to spend time with me, now don’t even answer my messages. What did I do? Seriously, wtf? All I can do is say ‘fuck them’ and continue my life as I always have as an introvert. I feel like I’ve been alone my whole life, but this isn’t a sob story. This isn’t supposed to be a self-pitying rant. I’m just completely baffled is all.

I thought of making this musing private, but nobody reads it now anyway, especially after nearly 3 years of silence. I just had to vent.

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Sadness

Well, the disappointment of not being able to travel after over a year of planning has hit hard and as a whole we’re quite depressed. We’ve managed to cancel half of the accommodation, with some yet to sort. I’ve cancelled the cattery. Next up is hopefully a credit with the airline. Then we’ve got to re-organise the whole thing which is a pain in the proverbial. [PS. I’ve just cancelled the flights with a full refund.]

I’ve lost all motivation while working from home. I’ve become lazy. I’ve lost interest in family history for now, not knowing what to do next. The UK trip was based on family history, visiting ancestral villages, etc. We were all so excited.

So, stuck at home, with not even the ability to travel within Australia thanks to a spike in Covid19 cases. While the rest of Australia eases back on restrictions and can travel interstate, in Victoria some suburbs have gone back into lockdown, all thanks to slack, ignorant, or selfish bastards. Thankfully I’m not in one of those suburbs, but may as well be. I only go out to go to the supermarket or visit my daughter. There is no dancing, there are no bird trips, no meetup events. This year is a complete write-off. Added to that, our salaries at work will be cut by 10% because of the loss of income due to no Chinese visitors. How ironic. I’m to stay working at home until the end of the month, then supposedly staggered days, partly at work and partly at home.

So, I’ve just been watching Netflix, Stan, SBS and playing Sims 2 and 4. I get out walking as much as possible but it’s not enough. I’ve put on weight. It’s all rather depressing.

Added to the depression is the number of people I know suffering from, or having died from cancer. A former colleague died in her 40s, and a good friend of mine died in February. I was so shocked to find out and still can’t believe it – that I’ll never see her face again when visiting the town. She was so happy to see me when I gave her a surprise visit two years ago. I had no idea she was ill. It was so sudden.  Another former colleague’s mother has cancer. And the step-sister of the girls’ cousin has brain cancer and has just lost her hearing. They say she won’t last long. She’s only in her early 40s with two young children. So cruel. So heartwrenching. I always liked her – so vibrant and friendly, which makes it all the more horrible. It seems to be true, that only the good die young.

So I should be grateful: that I have my health (despite aches and pains); am alive to see the sun, to appreciate birds singing outside; to have a job. So many – thousands, millions, have lost their lives and livelihoods.

One thing that did make me laugh this morning. My daughter shared a message that the husband of one of her cousins had put on Facebook. He was entering a competition to win a gaming console, claiming that he’d lost his job through “Covert19”. (I know some use that word instead of covid because they think it’s a conspiracy but this guy is not even that “intelligent”.) He didn’t lose his job as a result of Covid19 – he was caught stealing from his workplace – he’s a liar and a thief, pleading innocence even though he was caught on camera. An idiot. He’s the laughing stock of the family and lost any respect he might have had (negligible).

I’ve run out of British comedies to make me laugh. I really enjoyed several seasons of Still Game on Netflix. It took me a couple of episodes to get into it but I loved the characters. Any suggestions for humour appreciated. The second season of AfterLife was not funny at all.

I’d better go. Enough venting.

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Plans go awry

Well, shit, how things can change in three short months.

The new work place was going well. My new supervisor (there seem to be many layers of managers) was also new and we started together. She’s friendly and open but with a tendency to micromanage (weekly meetings – really?).

So yeah, my plans that I was so excited about in my last entry – how could anyone have predicted the devastating effects of the coronavirus? At the moment it seems highly unlikely that travel plans for September will eventuate. My daughter is hopeful. So we’re in limbo, hoping at least that we can postpone bookings to next year if necessary.

So, I’ve been working from home for a month now. At least I got to know my colleagues a bit beforehand. We do regular coffee catchups online and a daily exercise routine which is good. Then the daily team meeting (unnecessary but ok I guess). We’re keeping in touch. I’m over my dislike of seeing myself on screen – to the extent that I finally did a Skype session with bro and daughters (on H’s 30th birthday – poor girl had plans but had to stay put on lockdown).

It hasn’t been too bad working from home. I get to spend more time with my cat, I can sit next to a sunny window (previously my desk was facing a wall and the window was overshadowed by another building), I can listen to music while I work, I can go for walks at lunchtime, and when I finish (instead of commuting for 45-50 minutes).

You have to look at the positive aspects. If you’re lucky enough to live with someone (instead of living alone) you can spend more time together (or maybe that isn’t such a good thing depending on relationships). If you’re lucky enough to work from home (so many have lost jobs), you can get up later, using the time you would have commuted to sleep longer. You get to see colleagues’ houses and pets during online meetings. And in general: if, like me you’re an introvert, you don’t have to worry about people dropping by unannounced; you don’t feel envious about others’ exotic holidays (they’re also stuck at home); it’s good for the environment.

I hope you are all well and surviving, coping with something that still feels surreal. The uncertainty is hard to bear, and knowing the financial repercussions to come… I only wish that the environmental changes could become permanent, but we know that’s not going to happen. Despite people saying that we can’t go back to normal, that we have to make changes, no-one will. It’ll go back to the norm the minute the shops re-open and travel resumes.

Anyway, I’m off now to do housework. The house gets much dirtier with me in it 24/7.

Stay well.

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Nothing much

So I haven’t really anything to write about. Life goes on. The winter expanded into October. Only now are we getting warmer weather, but still have to keep jackets out just in case, and it’s nearly December.

I have a few thoughts running around in my head, so I suppose that’s why I came here.

Firstly, stress: at another job interview coming up. I have had many unsuccessful intervews here. What am I doing wrong, I wonder. Or is the competition too fierce – always someone better suited, with more knowledge and/or experience; at Xmas fast approaching. One daughter is easy to buy for – all set for her. The other is more difficult. I also have to even out the gifts, so if I get 3 small gifts for one, for example, I feel obliged to get 3 for the other. Time is running out. Less than a month, and even less time until I fly to NZ.

Secondly, partially related to stress – the need to find happiness and/or contentment. Bird outings make me happy. I’ve requested the library also order the book “Bird Therapy”. I’ve also been trying mindfulness in meditation, photography, and drawing.

And finally, I’ve deleted my Twitter account. It often made me depressed. Whenever I posted anything there it felt like no-one read it or commented. It was one way communication. It was not doing me any good at all. So it’s gone – deactivated, and I will not return. I gave it a go for over 10 years and it basically did nothing for me.

There was a brief item on the “news” this evening about a celebration of centenarians. Of course, they’re always asked the secret to long life. One man, who looked 70 not over 100, said just to enjoy life. Don’t fight problems, don’t fight, just enjoy. This is what I need to learn to do. Just enjoy life. Stop worrying. Stop looking in the mirror and seeing age and ugliness.

So anyway, I’m trying. It’s always a constant battle. I can’t escape myself, so I have to ignore my own negativity, hear it but don’t listen, move beyond it, look forward, laugh and enjoy. Wish me luck.

Postscript: The job interview was awful. I stumbled my way through some difficult questions. I’m just not articulate enough. To make matters worse I had the runs in the morning (through stress?) and the visitor’s carpark was closed. I was just relieved to get it over with. Oh well.

Post-postscript: I got the job! You could have knocked me down with a feather. I suppose my experience counted for something after all. A new year, a new job. Fantastic.

 

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New posts at bird blog

So, I’ve been on another bird outing, despite the atrocious weather (the photos don’t reflect the true awfulness of it – the strong, cold wind, pushing me back and forth about a foot while trying to take photos). I’ve blogged about it here.

No-one visits that blog, but never mind. It’s my own personal record of my bird outings, which I enjoy. Talking of birds, I recently read “The genius of birds” by Jennifer Ackerman, which was a good read. Birds, like many animals, have often been considered dim-witted compared to the “superior” human (cough), but they are far from  it. You just have to think of the birds’ ancestors such as the velociraptor, made famous by “Jurassic Park”. Humans are animals after all, so why is it any surprise that animals also possess intelligence and feeling? I have always known this, having grown up with a variety of pets, and am constantly amazed that scientists are just “discovering” such things.

Anyway, nothing to write about on this blog, that I can think of anyway. Xmas is fast approaching and I haven’t started shopping for gifts. I have no idea…

 

 

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Diaries

My Scots grandmother once told me to always keep a diary. Her advice made me wonder if she ever did or whether she regretted not doing so. Certainly none came to light after her death.

In any case, I’ve kept a diary since the age of 9. I have a drawer full of diaries for nearly every year since. Some years I missed out for whatever reason. This brings me to the question of what to do with them. (I culled a couple of embarrassing angsty ones some years ago.)

I’ve started transcribing the older ones. Do I then throw the physical copies away? I think I will keep the older, physically smaller ones, but the later ones, particularly the bigger ones, I think I will throw away after transcription. It’s going to take a while. However I have already transcribed five. I’m working my way through the year I was 10 years old. Some, later in life, will be difficult to transcribe. Do I bother? Or do I just chuck them? I’ve already transcribed an account of the death of a family dog, and my mother going into hospital. My 18 year old self emerged to cry all over again (as my mother died within 2 months). I think later entries will just bring back hurt and anger (with the ex). It’s an interesting dilemma. Do I want anyone (eg daughters) to read them? The older ones, sure, but the later ones I will have to decide as I go. I could perhaps just not transcribe bits that I don’t want anyone to read and destroy the original. It’s a long-term project, as I look at the piles of diaries beside me.

Is there anyone else in the same boat? These diaries have followed me round for decades, unread. They take up space and I feel the need to declutter. What would you do?

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Hmm

What to write? I had come here to share photos of the latest bird outing, but also wanted to update since the last post, and I had intended to write about my trip to Rarotonga. Perhaps I should have a separate blog about bird outings? I think I might.

So that leaves two things to potentially write about.

Update on last one.  Things are looking up. I got a call from the job that had no work that work is coming but still no update as to when. In the meantime at my other job, I picked up some regular hours until December which is good. And I’ve just had another interview which went much better than the last. It is a very small place and I might get a bit bored but it’s fulltime, pays well, and is close to home. We shall see. It sounds ridiculous but all these positive changes have happened since I made changes to the “money corner” according to feng shui. I’m no great believer, but I felt desperate after the tax office demanded a lot of money. Anything to offset the setback caused by those bastards.

I still don’t particularly feel like blogging about Rarotonga. Maybe because I’ve already shared photos with friends and family.

It’s September already and my daughter tells me she’s already seen Xmas mince pies in the supermarket, ffs. It will come soon enough. I’ll be spending this Xmas in NZ with bro and daughters – looking forward to it. As usual, I have no idea what to get for gifts. I did, amazingly, think of looking in a shop I go to for unusual gifts when I was in the shopping mall lately, but (just my luck), the shop appears to have closed down. Another shop closer to where I live, had a massive sale recently, but I didn’t find out until I was on my way to catching a train to work. Just my luck.

In all honesty, I have no idea what else to write, so I’ll end here.

PS: I have added yet another blog – for birds. Check out the first post. The blog link is under the blog roll.

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Racism

“This is not New Zealand” is the sentiment expressed everywhere on the internet after the horrific shooting of muslims in Christchurch. What do they mean exactly? True, such an abhorrent act has never been seen in New Zealand before, but the motivation should not come as a surprise considering the anti-muslim rhetoric spewing forth from america since 9/11.  Every muslim is regarded as a terrorist. I’ve heard anti-muslim remarks from New Zealanders. New Zealanders are not immune to racism. Even though the perpetrator was Australian (and I’m sure there have been many anti-Australian comments made as a result, or should I say even more), the views the man expressed are shared with many within New Zealand. Racists are everywhere, including among Maori.

My daughter has olive skin. She was working in a shoe shop in Palmerston North when a man verbally attacked her, saying she should go back to where she came from. Because she was not “white” he assumed, wrongly, that she was an immigrant. My daughter was so upset, she had to go home. She was born in New Zealand. Her mother is a New Zealand citizen. Such racist attitudes are not unheard of at all. Just because many educated New Zealanders do not have racist attitudes, they seem to think that all New Zealanders share that view. They do not.

On a nearly daily basis in New Zealand, I heard anti-Australian remarks at work. It was racism, pure and simple. I was sick to the back teeth of the negativity – any excuse to put down Australia. This article, appearing in Stuff in 2017, puts it so well:

https://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff-nation/92030101/dear-new-zealand-what-did-australia-ever-do-to-you

“Any chance to knock down Australia is seized upon, even the most tenuous of chances to criticise us is grasped eagerly. When someone has the audacity to stand up for Australia they get told Australians are much more vitriolic, so it’s okay.

I have lived in Australia for 33 years, I have worked with Kiwis, and at no point have I heard an Australian turn as venomous towards a Kiwi as I have heard Kiwis turn towards us.

We do enjoy banter and maybe we take it too far sometimes, but I’ve never heard an Australian say they hate New Zealanders – there are so many of you over here you’re part of our country.”

I have now lived in Australia for three years. Not once, ever, have I heard an anti-New Zealand sentiment. To be perfectly honest, Australians don’t even think about New Zealand except as a travel destination, but praise our scenery and lifestyle and even the current prime minister. What did Australia ever do to earn New Zealanders’ animosity?

I was pleasantly surprised that many commenters agreed with the article, while others, of course, disagreed, uttering remarks based on ignorance. Usually, you read any comments section of a stuff article (or any social media forum) and you will read small-minded bigotry and real hatred. Note the name of the author was withheld – for good reason. The person was probably in fear of receiving death threats and I kid you not. Why such surprise that one such wanker acted on his ignorance and moral ineptitude, fed by american media?

Before 9/11 no-one really thought about muslims. Blame the yanks. The official story surrounding 9/11 is all false and since then any terrorist act has been blamed on Al Qaeda, Isis, or some other named group we’d never heard of before 2001. Any muslim, mentally unstable or otherwise, acting alone or otherwise, is labelled a terrorist for any act whatsoever (such as stabbing one person). Any non-muslim is not. At least the Christchurch act is being labelled as terrorism. Frankly, I’m surprised there have not been more anti-muslim terrorist acts before now. Sadly, I think there will be more.

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A new year

Things will change this year. I’m over having two part-time jobs. I’ve applied for another and in the likely event that I won’t get it, I will try to wangle five days a week out of one of my part-time jobs, which seems possible, I’m glad to say. I want my weekends back, my evenings back, my time to be my time. Bugger this working all hours at the drop of a hat, having to make excuses if you don’t want a shift, spending way too much time doing administrative stuff on their secure website (which takes ages to load), keeping up with pathetic goals, doing inordinate amounts of training in stuff you’ve done several times before. It’s all just a bit too PC. I’m sick of it. I haven’t had time to do what I want to do.

So, this year, as soon as possible, I’ll get rid of the weekend/evening work and then can actually do stuff, like blog, take photos, plan trips out of Melbourne. I feel like I’ve spent my whole time at work with just one day off a week. I had to forgo the walking group and the Welsh dancing in the weekends because of work. I had to turn down voluntary work because I didn’t have any spare time.

First up is a trip to Ballarat next Saturday. Normally I’m working on Saturday but I got rid of the shift. Then a trip to NZ to see bro. I haven’t told anyone in PN as I won’t have a car this time, and am uncertain whether I’ll be in town long enough to visit. If I do it can be a surprise. In the meantime I don’t want to commit to anything. Then in July I’ll head over to see my friend in the Cook Islands. Then C is talking of spending Xmas in NZ this year which would mean another trip. And while the weather is good M and I must get out and about and explore Melbourne environs. The summer goes by so quickly.

Ok, time to get ready for a shift this arvo. How exciting – not.

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Merry Christmas

I hope to blog more in the new year.

Relax, seek solace, go out, enjoy company.  Forget the consumerist nightmare.

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